Author: Nowhere Road to Nowhere
I wasn’t loved from day one
I met my husband at a wedding. The wedding was a long distance wedding for both of us. I thought he was charming, handsome and nice during the pre-wedding and wedding events. After I went back to my home at the time, he called several times, and visited me few times and I enjoyed my time with him and truly felt that he was the one.
On one of his visits, he proposed and I said yes, was very happy and was truly on cloud nine. When we planned our living arrangements, I transferred with my job to his state, he knew where my office was going to be located, and he was going to get us an apartment with a location convenient to both of us. I, being the naïve and stupid that I was, and believe I still am, didn’t check on anything. I just got movers to move my furniture to the place the love of my life has chosen for us to start our lives together. When I went to visit before the wedding, the apartment was not ready, so I stayed with his family.
After the wedding, we moved to our new apartment, and the day after we arrived, I drove 90 minutes to get to my job. His office was 10 minutes from our new apartment. so for the next year and a half, I had three hours a day drive to go to work and back, while he had a total of 20 minutes. My work started at 7 am so I had to leave every day at 5:30 am, while his work started at 9 so he didn’t have to leave before 8:45 am.
From the beginning of our marriage, my husband complained a lot about money and how little of it we have. When we got married in 1989, making over $100,000 was considered a lot of money and other than the rent and utilities, we did not have any other expenses. But there was a constant tone from him about how little money we have and how he wished we made more. The way he talked and I believed everything he said, made me forget reality. Reality that we are fine financially, and that we received a wedding gift from my family $100,000 just a couple of months ago that we have not used but we’re actually adding to it. We weren’t poor like he was making me feel, in fact, we were wealthy in the normal standard of living.
His passive aggressive nags pushed me, at that time, to get a second afternoon job at a local department store so I can earn money to use for our daily living. I was brainwashed that we were so poor, that I needed to get this second job to save our lives. Thinking about that time of my life, I truly hate myself for falling pry to this giant con-artist. I drive 3 hours each day to go to work, I leave at 5:30 am, I do all the cleaning, cooking, ironing, and other house chores. He spends less than 30 minutes in the car each day, rests more than me, does not do anything around the house except complain about how I do things, he keeps all the money we both make, and I then go get a second job to please him.
Most of the times when I hear someone had some all the stupid things I’ve done, I want to say the common thing that everyone tents to say in these situations “She brought this to herself”, and as true as that is, I was to tell myself, if I had married the right person, all the work I had put into this marriage, would’ve been well worth it. When 2 people marry for the right reasons, even if one works harder than the other, the communications, understandings, and love for one another makes life worth it, and the future worth looking forward to.
I know that if I leave the control in my husband’s hands, when we retire, he will live in a mansion, and leave me in a homeless shelter. He never had any use for me other that what I can do for him. today, 30 years later, he is worse that before, more obvious about his goals in life, and more hateful toward me.
March 9, 2008 Took my salary…And Kept it
When we first got married, January 1989, my husband talked about how we need to save for our future. He suggested we get direct deposits from our work and have both our salaries into one account and live of one salary. He said that way we can save money to start or invest in future businesses. At the time, I was so in love with him so it did not matter what he was going to say, I was in full support. He also told me that in order not to complicate matters of the check writing, one of us should be dedicated to doing so, and since I have so many chores to do, he’ll take this task. I was beaming with happiness for our shared chores in our new family. I just wanted to please him and do whatever I can to help us get to the next step in our lives.
10 years later, he opened an account with both of our names and for the firs time, my signature was on the account. I asked for this because over time, we’ve had many unpaid utility bills and which left us without water or electricity while he is out of town and cannot pay the same day to get our utility back up. Non of this lack of payments were due to lack of funds, this was strictly lack of willingness to part with the money, carelessness toward his family’s wellbeing, and his typical selfish behavior. In February of 2008, I told him that I needed 2 checks; one for $400 for a car service, and the other for $450 for dental crown work. I also asked him for few more check just in case but assured him that I will let him know if I needed to write any of them. I ended up writing one for $24 for after school stays for my son, and another for $78 for Dr. fees for the dental crown work.
On the morning of March 9, 2008, I could feel that he is going to throw one of his temper tantrums. There is nothing that I could do to avoid these tantrums. Any word or move on my part can fuel his temper and he will erupts to the big scale of screaming and yelling. I woke up at 5:30 am and went downstairs to do my workout on the treadmill. Even though he did not acknowledge my presence, I kept going because that wasn’t unusual for him, but I did not know what’s making him act like this. When his rage starts to build, All I could do is avoid him all together to save myself. It feels like you are just barely outside a cage of a raging wild animal who’s doing everything possible to brake the locks of the cage and come after your flesh and you know you’re not fast enough to run away and you’re so scared your feet get stiff. I’ve had so many bad feeling and vibes coming at me from him that it became the usual attitude.
When I finished my exercise, I ironed my son’s school shirt and went to his room to put his clothes on his bed before I took a shower. As I walked into our room, my husband was standing in the middle of our room and began his tantrum. He started with he cannot do this anymore, I am spending money we do not have, and I am driving the family to bankruptcy. I kept quiet to find out what was the crime I’ve committed, he then told me that I have written 2 checks one for $400 and the other for $450. I told him that I did tell him about these two checks and he was ok with me writing them, he said just because I told him does not mean I can. He then asked me about the other 2; the one for $24 and the one for $78. I was so scared that words would not come out of my mouth. I started saying A..A.. A.. and before anything came out of my mouth, he started making fun of me and repeating A.. A.. A.. in a mocking voice. At this point, I just stood there while his voice got louder and louder, his was condescending, demeaning and just yelling as loud and as rude as can. While raging he said something about my attitude, I then turned to him and said “look at yourself and listen to what you’re saying, then tell me who’s the one with the attitude”. He then told me that if I wrote one more check, he’s going to close the account. Here he is yelling a screaming because I wrote less than $1000 of checks during a time we were making more that $300,000.00 and in one month, he’s threatening to close the account. I told him, “Fine, go ahead and close the account, don’t wait, close it now”. I went to the bathroom, took a shower and get my son ready, had breakfast, and left for school and work.
While in the car, my son asked what was going on that made his dad so loud again. As soon as he said that I broke down and started to cry. I told my son why his dad was yelling at me for paying for my car to be fixed, my dentist, and the other two smaller checks. My son said to me ” So mom, if he knew about the large 2 checks, the he’s only fighting with you over $102, right?” I said, “yes, this whole rage is over the $102. But even if it was one dollar, he was going to rage like this regardless” I kept crying and telling my son that I did not know if I could handle it anymore, I kept apologizing for not being the strong mom he should have and deserve. My sweet son kept trying to make me feel better by telling me that I was strong. I then told him before he was born, when his dad was so abusive to me, I prayed to have a baby and asked God to please bless me with a baby. I was so naïve and stupid thinking he would pay attention to the baby and raising him that he won’t worry about the insignificant things in life, that these bad behaviors would seem so unnecessary. Now I know that I was living in never never land when I was thinking he’d change one day. A bad person is a bad person regardless of life’s circumstances. My husband is a very bad person no matter how good God has been to him.
I told my son on the morning of March 9 while driving to school that when I had him, I was so happy and thankful to God for answering my prayers and gave me the perfect child, but now I question if I/m doing the right thing by staying in this abusive relationship. Am I serving and giving him the best life by allowing him to witness his mother being so weak? I am so broken now that his dad keeps walking all over me and that is just not good for him to witness and grow up in this environment where he sees him mother being treated so badly. My so told me that I wasn’t weak at all, I just take all this because I don’t want him to grow up in a broken home. He too began to cry while was uttering these words to make me feel better. I told him that I’m not sure anymore if I’m doing his justice by being him mom and being so down and depressed like this. He deserves a mom who can help him grow to reach his highest potentials, be happy and risk taker.
I stopped the car, got out of the car, went to the back seat and sat next to my son, gave him a huge and long and kept apologizing for sharing this with him, but mostly, I thanked him and thanked him and thanked him for being the wise guy and the glue in the family. I tried very hard to make sure he forget about our talk and to go to school and h=be busy with his friend and forget about this whole subject. He assured me he wasn’t going to pay attention to this and was going to have fun with his friends in school.
Even though I went to work and got busy with that part of my life, I could not forgive myself for allowing me to share this with my son the way I did.
My husband, on the other hand, felt he was in the right doing what he did and did not feel bad for his behavior on that day or any other day for that matter at all.
February 27, 2008 I know I’m doing the right thing, yet still Afraid
I arrived early to school to pick up my son. While waiting, I could not get rid of the thoughts running through my head about my husband. Yesterday, while his mom is staying with us and he is out of town, she told him that we are going to spend the night at my parents house while they’re out of town on vacation. If my parents were in town, they would insist on it. Their house is large enough to accommodate all of us, and they live close to the main roads where if it snowed a little and school is not closed, they can manage getting out and driving to school. Our road, however, is very curvy, long, and hilly. The smallest amount of snow cripples us and we cannot get out. For that reason, depending on our schedule, I opt to spend the night at my parents house the night before I know it will snow. When my husband is out of town and when its just me and my son at home, I can make that decision easily. But when my mother in law is with us, and knowing her eagerness to create trouble for me, every right decision, is run through the mill and has to end up in him screaming at me and making me cry for a long time.
I had arranged for my son to be picked up by another mom who was going to take her kids and mine to the pool for swimming lesson, while I go home to get our overnight bags and ask my mother in law to do the same. I was then going to drop her off at a restaurant where a friend had invited her, go get my son from swimming, then go back to get her and go to my parents house to spend the night. My son had a 2 day standardized exams for yesterday and today and I wasn’t going to allow snow to deter him from scoring as high as possible.
But when I called her to tell her that’s the plan, she hesitated and said ok. when I went home to pack for me and my son and pick her up, she told me to call my husband because he’s calling me and I’m not replying. She was right, I knew if I do talk to him, the interrogations will begin and I will end up crying and him yelling at me. I did not want to deal with that again and just ignored his calls. I told her I’ll call him soon, but I did not. I kept going with the plan while the outer layer of my body felt too tight around me and kept getting tighter. I took her to the restaurant, went to where my son was at the fitness center, spend a little time with him and the other mom and kids, then went to pick her up. She asked if I talked to my husband and I said I have not had the chance but will do soon. I had my son talk to him to tell him that we’re spending the night at Grandma’s house because of the test he has to take the next day but I did not talk to him.
One sure thing about my husband, if he knows I am the only audience, he will sure make my life miserable. No witnesses means let’s harass, abuse, demean, and destroy, her and later act like nothing has happened and if questioned, deny deny deny. While he thinks he is being smart about this behavior, he cannot be dumber for destroying himself in the process. What so unfortunate is he is doing this because his hate for me overshadows everything else he does in life.
June 30, 2018 Flaunting his Disappearing acts
My son and a visiting out of town friend called to ask if I was available to have dinner with them at a local Mexican restaurant. I was happy that he included me and actually much happier that when I got there my husband was there too. I always want me son and his dad to have a good friendly relationship. It does not matter how close my son and I are, it makes huge difference when he and his dad’s relationship is friendly. The problem that I’ve had to deal with, has always been, is that my husband is a JERK in every meaning of the word. He is hurtful, mean, and hates me, but he is a plain ol’ jerk to his son. He cannot have a simple friendly relationship with his own son whom he loves very much. He cannot have a simple friendly conversation with him without ending up in an argument. He cannot go to his room to watch whatever my son is watching on TV (normally a comedy show) without changing the channel and end up in an argument. Like I said, he is a PLAIN Ol’ JERK!
So we start dinner and we’re all having fun eating and we each drank a large frozen margarita which made us (mostly me) a bit tipsy. I don’t remember if anyone else had more drinks but that was plenty for me and I was joking with them pretending to walk sideways when we left but the bottom line we all had fun. When we left, I went back to the office to finish a project I needed to submit to the client by the end of the day Friday and was late. I was determined to complete and send over the weekend. My husband drove everyone home and the kids were planning to go to a bar afterwards.
When I got home, which was after 11 PM, I did not see my husband’s car and thought he was dropping them off at a downtown bar and they were going to uber back home. I heard my husband coming home around midnight and I went to sleep. at around 1 am, I texted my son to let me know his whereabouts and did not get a reply. Again, around 3 am, I texted my son to let me know where he is but heard nothing back. Around 4 am, I got up and went downstairs to check if my son and his friend had come home and I have not heard them come in and saw that they were sound asleep. She in the extra bedroom, and he on the couch in the basement. I went back up to sleep and left early the following day to go to church. Later when I talked to me son and was telling him that I was worried about them and kept texting him but did not hear back he told me that he and his friend did not go anywhere. He said when they came home they were both tired so they just sat downstairs and then went to sleep early. he also told me that his dad dropped them off and went out but did not say where he was going.
My husband used to go out and say he’s going to run errands, or shopping, etc. and then come back hours later with hardly anything bought and I knew he wasn’t going to where he said he was going but stayed silent not to diminish his image in front of his son. Now, he is flaunting these acts in front of his son. My son is the one who is telling me that his dad is acting like a teen and does not want to grow up. My husband had the nerve to drop off his son and his friend at home and went out at night and came back midnight with no explanation where he went or who he was with.
If I file for divorce today, the only issues the judge would look for to settle are financial issues. None of the pain is accounted for. Society today makes it your responsibility to hurt the people around you in order to “Save Yourself”. This is the Modern Day “Gunsmoke” Lifestyle that we are forced into. Someone has to draw their gun first to win. In today’s world getting married and having a family and deal with the ups and downs of life, is pure luck just like a coin toss. If you end up with a good partner, you got head. If not, you got tail. But no matter what you get, and how much pain was inflicted on you, all you get out with at the end, is financial settlements!
There are so many people out there calling to empower the weak and disadvantaged, yet no one wants to take this issue to fix this part of the system which would free so many people like me who take the pain and stay silent.
There is So Much Pain
The amount of pain inside me can fill the world. I hold it inside for fear if it spills out of me, it will hurt all around me whom I love. If I open up to friends about my life, the first thing out of their mouth would be to leave my brutal husband. Even if this is not hard to do as “Getting a divorce” on it sown, the ramification for all who are effected by it would be very difficult. My son had nothing to do with me choosing a jerk as his dad, but he will live all his life effected by a broken home. Every girl he meets will question his commitment to marriage because his parents did not stay together. He will suffer by me getting out of the hell I live in. In other words, I relief my self from being hurt, and I then hurt my son for the rest of his life.
What about the rest of my family, how are my parents who’ve been married for 68 years and very old going to handle their daughter getting a divorce. All around me say that I married a horrible guy and everyone would stand with me to help me, but after the divorce is done, and reality syncs in, how much hurt are they going to live with? and how much guilt am I going to endure?
Why is it that we live in a reactionary times? why can’t people fix the problem instead of running away from it? the pain and suffering from these issues in our world today is growing in so many ways and no matter where we run, its catching up to all of us and began to consume us. Why can’t we fix the issue from its roots and raise people who are not hurtful, cheats, bullies, and mean?
I was never introduced to any of his friends
He never takes me out to do anything just the two of us, but he always wants to go to anything I go to. My family has invited him to everything under the sun. They are very active socially and we always get invited to social or art events. When we go, I’m always introducing him to everyone and including him in all my conversations. He never does that. Few years ago, I asked my son to join me to attend a political event for a local representative. My son wanted to ask this representative to sponsor him to attend a military school. When I opened the subject in front of my husband, he jumped in and said “I want to go, I want to ask him for something related to my property”. My son immediately backed out because he knew it costs $500 to attend per person or couple. When 2 of us attend it cost $500 and if we add additional person, it will cost another $500. I could not tell my husband not to attend. After all, he wants to attend to get help for his business, and knowing how childish he is, I knew he’ll make my life hell if he didn’t. We went together, I reached out to the representative regarding my son, but my husband just stood there next to me. He did not say anything, nothing to the representative about his property, not even to reinforce my request to get help for our son. Few minutes later, we while were standing, he saw someone he knew, he just left me standing, walked few steps to that guy, and started a conversation with that guy for a while. He never introduced me to the guy or bothered to even tell me who that guy was when he came back. I asked him and he just said “just a friend”.
There has been many incidents like this over the years and I’ve always done what I think a wife should do, but he’s never acted like my husband at all.
For the last few months, he’s been spending a lot of time out, coming home very late, and he’s been hanging around New people. One of the new “interests” my husband has been involved in, is the Opera. As always, I never get invited to any event he goes to, but tonight the invitation to the Opera dinner came from my parents. We went to a very nice, lavish dinner party at a very nice hotel. While there, many people would either stop to say hello to everyone, or they’ll go directly to my husband to give him a warm hello. One lady, who seems to be a very active lady with the opera, came to our table, gave my husband a hug and then turned to intoduce herself to me and said, “it’s so nice to meet you, why haven’t you come to any of the other events we’ve invited you to?”. In the past, I used to come up with an answer that would not hurt my husband’s feelings. I would say something like “I’ve really been working very late” or “things have just not worked out”. Today, however, I answered truthfully, “I was never invited”! She looked at my husband and he replied with the appropriate amount of charm and humor, “do you believe that?” She smiled and moved on.
This is the man I am married to, a bad Evil man.
12 Signs To Spot An Evil Person
I saw this list yesterday and thought if these signs were to connect, a picture of my husband would appear:
Sign 1. Evil Would Twist the Truth
Sign 2. Evil Withholds Important Information
Sign 3. Evil Would lie All The Time
Sign 4. Evil Denies Reality – Lives in his or her own Reality
Sign 5. Evil Misleads Everyone
Sign 6. Evil Shows No Remorse
Sign 7. Avoids Responsibilities
Sign 8. Evil Manipulates
Sign 9. Evil Has Ulterior Motives
Sign 10. Evil Steals your Time
Sign 11. Evil Leads Multiple Lives
Sign 12. Evil is a control Freak
This is who I live with and No I have not left him. Its not because I like being abused or love this life that I am in, its because the people I will end up hurting in the process.
First time pregnant
After 8 years of trying to get pregnant, 5 years of intense trying. Going to the dr in the morning for ultrasound, and purchase the very expensive Medicine. Then wait by the phone by 3 pm to get the call of how many ampules of medicine to take by injection. Take the injection and go back to the dr in the morning to repeat the cycle. At a certain point of the monthly cycle, the dr direct us to take the ovulation injection and within 48 hours I should ovulate. We tried for few months to just do things the natural way, then we did three months of artificial insemination but nothing worked. Later the dr found out that I had endometriosis and performed laparoscopy on me and we continued with the medication, ultrasound, injection process for few months before we were told to take a six months break then come back to to the in vitro process. During those six months we decided to move to where the rest of my family lived. each of My 2 brothers had 3 kids and we can at least enjoy them before we either do the in-vitro or adopt. Within those 6 months and the very hard prayers everyone I knew did for me, we got pregnant. It was the most joyful and scary times of my life. I was so happy but very worried at the same time. We had not yet sold our house in Atlanta and we’re living in my parents basement. My husband stayed behind, kept his work in Atlanta until we sell the house. After I found out I was pregnant, he asked me to go one weekend to Atlanta to help him pack so I did. I don’t remember what happened before dinner but I do remember him picking a fight for no reason at all which was his normal ways of picking fights with me. All I remember is I was very tired and sitting in the living room crying. He came in, saw me crying, and that got him even angrier and began yelling at me and putting me down, saying things like how his life is so much worse now that he’s married to me, then he went up to our bedroom and locked me out all night long. I tried to go in, knocked on the door, he did not answer. I went back down and slept on the coach in the living room. The next day, I went up to the room, after he’d got up, changed, and cane down still ignoring me, I took a shower, changed and left. I cried while driving by myself for the next 3 hours until I got home. During those days, my life was so scrambled, I had no idea how to deal with these events. I’ve never encountered an abusive person like that in my life, have not heard about people like that, and I did not know how to react to these events when they occurred. My husband is a bully who does not know at any given time to deal with anyone, anyone at all, without the bully mentality. Everyone he deals with either he bullies, or he gives full authority to bully him. People don’t know that about him, I sure didn’t, so they think he’s a very nice and accommodating person. What they don’t know is, once he gets what he wants from them, he’ll either go away and never see them again, or becomes mean and nasty to them. He doesn’t know how to be on an equal status with anyone.
No Where Road to nowhere 