I wasn’t loved from day one

I met my husband at a wedding. The wedding was a long distance wedding for both of us. I thought he was charming, handsome and nice during the pre-wedding and wedding events. After I went back to my home at the time, he called several times, and visited me few times and I enjoyed my time with him and truly felt that he was the one.

On one of his visits, he proposed and I said yes, was very happy and was truly on cloud nine.  When we planned our living arrangements, I transferred with my job to his state, he knew where my office was going to be located, and he was going to get us an apartment with a location convenient to both of us. I, being the naïve and stupid that I was, and believe I still am, didn’t check on anything. I just got movers to move my furniture to the place the love of my life has chosen for us to start our lives together.  When I went to visit before the wedding, the apartment was not ready, so I stayed with his family.

After the wedding, we moved to our new apartment, and the day after we arrived, I drove 90 minutes to get to my job.  His office was 10 minutes from our new apartment.  so for the next year and a half, I had three hours a day drive to go to work and back, while he had a total of 20 minutes.  My work started at 7 am so I had to leave every day at 5:30 am, while his work started at 9 so he didn’t have to leave before 8:45 am.

From the beginning of our marriage, my husband complained a lot about money and how little of it we have.  When we got married in 1989, making over $100,000  was considered a lot of money and other than the rent and utilities, we did not have any other expenses. But there was a constant tone from him about how little money we have and how he wished we made more.  The way he talked and I believed everything he said, made me forget reality. Reality that we are fine financially, and that we received a wedding gift from my family $100,000 just a couple of months ago that we have not used but we’re actually adding to it. We weren’t poor like he was making me feel, in fact, we were wealthy in the normal standard of living.

His passive aggressive nags pushed me, at that time, to get a second afternoon job at a local department store so I can earn money to use for our daily living. I was brainwashed that we were so poor, that I needed to get this second job to save our lives. Thinking about that time of my life, I truly hate myself for falling pry to this giant con-artist.  I drive 3 hours each day to go to work, I leave at 5:30 am, I do all the cleaning, cooking, ironing, and other house chores. He spends less than 30 minutes in the car each day, rests more than me, does not do anything around the house except complain about how I do things, he keeps all the money we both make, and I then go get a second job to please him.

Most of the times when I hear someone had some all the stupid things I’ve done, I want to say the common thing that everyone tents to say in these situations “She brought this to herself”, and as true as that is, I was to tell myself, if I had married the right person, all the work I had put into this marriage, would’ve been well worth it. When 2 people marry for the right reasons, even if one works harder than the other, the communications, understandings, and love for one another makes life worth it, and the future worth looking forward to.

I know that if I leave the control in my husband’s hands, when we retire, he will live in a mansion, and leave me in a homeless shelter. He never had any use for me other that what I can do for him. today, 30 years later, he is worse that before, more obvious about his goals in life, and more hateful toward me.

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