30 years

I’ve been married 30 years. 30 years of nothing but put downs, complains, manipulations, yelling, screaming, using me for his benefit. Why haven’t left? It’s not because I have low self esteem, not because I could not succeed without him, and not because he’s the best I could do. I didn’t leave the first 8 years because I was naive into thinking that once we had a child, he’ll change. I thought he’ll realize that raising a child is more important than everything else in life. He’ll focus on doing the best job as a father and don’t spend time on small stuff like how I washed the dishes, or how much soap I used. Obviously I was wrong thinking he’ll chance.

I then spent the next 10 years trying to raise my son to be the best human possible under the circumstances we lived in. I protected him from his father viciousness toward me yet exposed him to his dad Love toward him. I wanted him to be close to his dad despite his dad’s efforts to remain a very bad person.

During the last few years of my son’s high school years, I moved to the downstairs spare room and have been sleeping there ever since that time. I have tried numerous times to approach the subject with my son of leaving my husband but he’s always replied with one reason or another justifying the staying is a better deal than leaving. He never told me not to leave but he would bring up reasons of how his dad true colors would be exposed to other close members of our family and how hurtful to them that would be. I’ve stayed because I just did. I’ve stayed because there is no law yet that can give me back what he’d robbed of me. I’ve stayed because I don’t want more pain and suffering that a divorce will bring. I’ve stayed because I don’t want others to know, I’ve stayed because…

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