February 27, 2008 I know I’m doing the right thing, yet still Afraid

I arrived early to school to pick up my son. While waiting, I could not get rid of the thoughts running through my head about my husband. Yesterday, while his mom is staying with us and he is out of town, she told him that we are going to spend the night at my parents house while they’re out of town on vacation. If my parents were in town, they would insist on it. Their house is large enough to accommodate all of us, and they live close to the main roads where if it snowed a little and school is not closed, they can manage getting out and driving to school. Our road, however, is very curvy, long, and hilly. The smallest amount of snow cripples us and we cannot get out. For that reason, depending on our schedule, I opt to spend the night at my parents house the night before I know it will snow.  When my husband is out of town and when its just me and my son at home, I can make that decision easily. But when my mother in law is with us, and knowing her eagerness to create trouble for me, every right decision, is run through the mill and has to end up in him screaming at me and making me cry for a long time.

I had arranged for my son to be picked up by another mom who was going to take her kids and mine to the pool for swimming lesson, while I go home to get our overnight bags and ask my mother in law to do the same. I was then going to drop her off at a restaurant where a friend had invited her, go get my son from swimming, then go back to get her and go to my parents house to spend the night.  My son had a 2 day standardized exams for yesterday and today and I wasn’t going to allow snow to deter him from scoring as high as possible.

But when I called her to tell her that’s the plan, she hesitated and said ok. when I went home to pack for me and my son and pick her up, she told me to call my husband because he’s calling me and I’m not replying.  She was right, I knew if I do talk to him, the interrogations will begin and I will end up crying and him yelling at me.  I did not want to deal with that again and just ignored his calls.  I told her I’ll call him soon, but I did not. I kept going with the plan while the outer layer of my body felt too tight around me and kept getting tighter.  I took her to the restaurant, went to where my son was at the fitness center, spend a little time with him and the other mom and kids, then went to pick her up. She asked if I talked to my husband and I said I have not had the chance but will do soon.  I had my son talk to him to tell him that we’re spending the night at Grandma’s house because of the test he has to take the next day but I did not talk to him.

One sure thing about my husband, if he knows I am the only audience, he will sure make my life miserable.  No witnesses means let’s harass, abuse, demean, and destroy, her and later act like nothing has happened and if questioned, deny deny deny.  While he thinks he is being smart about this behavior, he cannot be dumber for destroying himself in the process. What so unfortunate is he is doing this because his hate for me overshadows everything else he does in life.

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