March 9, 2008 Took my salary…And Kept it

When we first got married, January 1989, my husband talked about how we need to save for our future. He suggested we get direct deposits from our work and have both our salaries into one account and live of one salary. He said that way we can save money to start or invest in future businesses. At the time, I was so in love with him so it did not matter what he was going to say, I was in full support.  He also told me that in order not to complicate matters of the check writing, one of us should be dedicated to doing so, and since I have so many chores to do, he’ll take this task. I was beaming with happiness for our shared chores in our new family. I just wanted to please him and do whatever I can to help us get to the next step in our lives.

10 years later, he opened an account with both of our names and for the firs time, my signature was on the account. I asked for this because over time, we’ve had many unpaid utility bills and which left us without water or electricity while he is out of town and cannot pay the same day to get our utility back up.  Non of this lack of payments were due to lack of funds, this was strictly lack of willingness to part with the money, carelessness toward his family’s wellbeing, and his typical selfish behavior.  In February of 2008, I told him that I needed 2 checks; one for $400 for a car service, and the other for $450 for dental crown work. I also asked him for few more check just in case but assured him that I will let him know if I needed to write any of them. I ended up writing one for $24 for after school stays for my son, and another for $78 for Dr. fees for the dental crown work.

On the morning of March 9, 2008, I could feel that he is going to throw one of his temper tantrums.  There is nothing that I could do to avoid these tantrums. Any word or move on my part can fuel his temper and he will erupts to the big scale of screaming and yelling.  I woke up at 5:30 am and went downstairs to do my workout on the treadmill. Even though he did not acknowledge my presence, I kept going because that wasn’t unusual for him, but I did not know what’s making him act like this.  When his rage starts to build, All I could do is avoid him all together to save myself.  It feels like you are just barely outside a cage of a raging wild animal who’s doing everything possible to brake the locks of the cage and come after your flesh and you know you’re not fast enough to run away and you’re so scared your feet get stiff.   I’ve had so many bad feeling and vibes coming at me from him that it became the usual attitude.

When I finished my exercise,  I ironed my son’s school shirt and went to his room to put his clothes on his bed before I took a shower.  As I walked into our room, my husband was standing in the middle of our room and began his tantrum. He started with he cannot do this anymore, I am spending money we do not have, and I am driving the family to bankruptcy.  I kept quiet to find out what was the crime I’ve committed, he then told me that I have written 2 checks one for $400 and the other for $450.  I told him that I did tell him about these two checks and he was ok with me writing them, he said just because I told him does not mean I can. He then asked me about the other 2; the one for $24 and the one for $78. I was so scared that words would not come out of my mouth.  I started saying A..A.. A.. and before anything came out of my mouth, he started making fun of me and repeating A.. A.. A.. in a mocking voice. At this point, I just stood there while his voice got louder and louder, his was condescending, demeaning and  just yelling as loud and as rude as can. While raging he said something about my attitude, I then turned to him and said “look at yourself and listen to what you’re saying, then tell me who’s the one with the attitude”. He then told me that if I wrote one more check, he’s going to close the account. Here he is yelling a screaming because I wrote less than $1000 of checks during a time we were making more that $300,000.00 and in one month, he’s threatening to close the account. I told him, “Fine, go ahead and close the account, don’t wait, close it now”. I went to the bathroom, took a shower and get my son ready, had breakfast, and left for school and work.

While in the car, my son asked what was going on that made his dad so loud again.  As soon as he said that I broke down and started to cry. I told my son why his dad was yelling at me for paying for my car to be fixed, my dentist, and the other two smaller checks. My son said to me ” So mom, if he knew about the large 2 checks, the he’s only fighting with you over $102, right?” I said, “yes, this whole rage is over the $102. But even if it was one dollar, he was going to rage like this regardless”  I kept crying and telling my son that I did not know if I could handle it anymore, I kept apologizing for not being the strong mom he should have and deserve. My sweet son kept trying to make me feel better by telling me that I was strong. I then told him before he was born, when his dad was so abusive to me, I prayed to have a baby and asked God to please bless me with a baby. I was so naïve and stupid thinking he would pay attention to the baby and raising him that he won’t worry about the insignificant things in life, that these bad behaviors would seem so unnecessary. Now I know that I was living in never never land when I was thinking he’d change one day.  A bad person is a bad person regardless of life’s circumstances.  My husband is a very bad person no matter how good God has been to him.

I told my son on the morning of March 9 while driving to school that when I had him, I was so happy and thankful to God for answering my prayers and gave me the perfect child, but now I question if I/m doing the right thing by staying in this abusive relationship.  Am I serving and giving him the best life by allowing him to witness his mother being so weak? I am so broken now that his dad keeps walking all over me and that is just not good for him to witness and grow up in this environment where he sees him mother being treated so badly.  My so told me that I wasn’t weak at all, I just take all this because I don’t want him to grow up in a broken home.  He too began to cry while was uttering these words to make me feel better. I told him that I’m not sure anymore if I’m doing his justice by being him mom and being so down and depressed like this. He deserves a mom who can help him grow to reach his highest potentials, be happy and risk taker.

I stopped the car, got out of the car, went to the back seat and sat next to my son, gave him a huge and long and kept apologizing for sharing this with him, but mostly, I thanked him and thanked him and thanked him for being the wise guy and the glue in the family.  I tried very hard to make sure he forget about our talk and to go to school and h=be busy with his friend and forget about this whole subject.  He assured me he wasn’t going to pay attention to this and was going to have fun with his friends in school.

Even though I went to work and got busy with that part of my life, I could not forgive myself for allowing me to share this with my son the way I did.

My husband, on the other hand, felt he was in the right doing what he did and did not feel bad for his behavior on that day or any other day for that matter at all.

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