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I cried a lot

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We were newly married maybe about a year into our marriage every time we get invited to go to dinner or go see someone he would say and do things to make me cry while on our way going to that event and then coming back from that event.

When we had company over and I’ve spent the whole day getting ready to entertain people but as soon as people leave he’ll start calling me out on everything that I’ve done. I said this wrong or I did that wrong and I end up crying because of all the things he says to me and the way he puts me down all the time. All I remember is the feeling that I’m just not worth being here.

Before our son

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The first eight years I wanted to have a baby so bad that I ignored his temper, his yelling, his screaming his jumping, his absolute horror because I just was focused on having a baby. I mistakenly thought that if we have a baby everything’s going be OK. We were then blessed with the most beautiful baby but tyrant husband did not change and now I had to deal with his verbal abuse and the bad treatment towards me and trying to protect and shield my son from him. I didn’t realize what I had done was brought somebody else to join in this terrible life of mine.

I kept trying and trying and trying for many years to fix things, but I just gave up about 5 or 6 years ago or maybe more than that, I gave up, I stop talking about him
He had a way of demeaning me in every possible way. For example, if we’re talking about someone who had done something really awful to somebody else and we discussed this behavior, before long my husband will start calling me that person’s name to insult me and tell me that I am as horrible as that person we just talked about.

For a long time, I subconsciously started to defend anyone and any behavior because I was afraid that when we go home, I’ll be identified as that person.

In the Begining, and Still…

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I married my husband because I really loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to grow old with him. Now looking back at it he never cared about that at all. He had his own agenda and his agenda was to better himself and to keep everything for himself and keep me out of it.

Since we got married I realize that he has a lot of problems and I never encountered someone with those kind of problems before and I didn’t know how to deal with him he yelled and screamed a lot and just did a lot of things that I’ve never had encountered before him.

I was naïve and unprepared for his personality didn’t know what to do with the way he acted and treated me so I just gave in. I was always trying to find solutions and please him so when he, for example, wanted me to do something, my eagerness to please him was my guide so I did whatever he asked but he always criticized the way I did it. We always ended up in a fight. I don’t know whether he planned this or not but he got used to getting his way and it was a detriment to me because I couldn’t I could not be myself. I kept getting deeper and deeper into depression. I didn’t know how to pretend in front of people that everything was OK but privately, it was horrible, there was nothing OK about it.

Dinner Parties

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Because my husband cannot believe that he is a source of any negativity in the world, he always reflects that negativity on me.  At the Beginning of on marriage, I used to give him a list of groceries I need for dinner, and for years afterward, when we invited company for dinner, I would give him a list of grocery items and ask him to get from the local grocery store. He would take that list and leave the house on the morning of our dinner party and would not come back with the groceries until its almost time for the company to arrive. At that time. I had no way of contacting him, no texts or cell phones. I just wait to use the ingredients for the meal I’m preparing and not get them until few minutes before our guests arrive. If I ask him “where have you been” I get the yelling and screaming usual Answer. this answer used to hit me like a brick wall, I’d be tired from working all day, worried that something bad happed to him, and then get hit with this type of answer. Most of the time, I’d cry and cry and cry some more. I got used to telling our guests that I had eye allergies from chopping onions. 

He did something else when we had company. Again, this wasn’t at all something I knew so it shocked me for a very Long time before I started avoiding it and calling him on it. He would wait for our guests to leave and while I’m still clearing up and putting things away, the ‘d come in the room I am working in and start telling me all the wrongs I committed during our dinner party. For example:” why did you say you cooked the Rice, when I had told them earlier when you were not in the room, that I cooked the Rice?’ If I say why did you lie? he’d start yelling at me by saying “I never lie, how dare you say I lie?” “But I cooked the Rice! I would reply. “Yes, but you should’ve just changed the subject” and he’d keep going like this for no reason at all just to pick and pick any if he hears any reply from me, regardless of what it is, he’ll start the screening episodes.  This wasn’t a once in a while thing, it happened every time we had company. After a while, I reduced the number of time I agreed to have company. then, I started to tell him he does this to get his attention to it and hope it’ll change, but eventually I stopped having any company over. After all, I worked, I prepared, I cooked, I cleaned, I did everything, and the end result is me being called names, and get yelled at and cry. I did not know these are personalities traits of an abusive person. At the beginning, I believed him what he said about me, then I just hated having people over because it reminded me of awful feelings, then I realized he’s just doing this at the times when I am the weakest to show strength and domination.

Every once in a while, random people from our inner circle would say to use me. “Your husband is jealous of you” I would completely dismiss it because there is no reason for him to be jealous of me.  He is a very handsome man, very smart, very presentable, and can do more than most people ca. He has accomplished a lot in his life, makes excellent salary and has been able to purchase may businesses and make good money from each and every business he’s been in. For me, things like cooking, preparing a good dinner party, etc. is not a reason to be jealous. Especially if the one doing it is your spouse. Aren’t we suppose to complete each other? I don’t need to be good in the things he’s good at, I just need to be good at the items that I’m good at, and vice versa.

 More than 25 years into our marriage, I heard my cousin’s husband once tell mine ”Your wife is one of the Best cooks around, but I never hear you say anything good about her cooking. Even when we compliment her about her Cooking, you reply by saying you cooked it all, but we all know that she did”. I was so happy to hear that I got a real nice compliment and my husband got lectured to compliment me on my cooking. In our private life, every time I make dinner and ask him how’s dinner? he’d pause, say it was so-so, and then tell me how unimportant food is to him. He then would how he wishes they’ be made a pill he could take to act as a meal instead of actually eating a meal. He would never offer a compliment and if I ask he’ll give me this answer to shut me up. of course, this too, made me stop asking, and later stop, cooking all together.

My fitness, His fitness

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I’ve been overweight all my life. In 1984, I discovered treadmills. I bought one and made it a commitment to do a minimum of 30 minutes of treadmill runs every morning before I leave home. I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a very long time. By the time my husband and I got married in 1989, I was on my 5th treadmill. For the first year, I kept it in our extra bedroom and was exercising inside the house. My husband is naturally fit and does not exercise at all. In the last 30 years since we’ve been married, he’s exercised a total of no more than 30 days. He looks good, can eat what he wants and does not need to exercise. That’s all perfectly fine with me if he doesn’t have to work as hard as I do, but it’s not good with him. He complains about my exercise, complains if I eat carb, or if I don’t eat carb. He makes fun of me no matter what I do to lose weight. He doesn’t get that others have to work harder to get what he has. When we moved to our first house, he made me put the treadmill in the garage. Every morning, I go to the garage to exercise because he would not let me put it in any other room inside the house. Since this item is not his or important to him, then it’s just not important at all.

When we moved to our current house 22 years ago, I put the treadmill in the basement and kept on using it. After five or 6 years, my treadmill broke and I needed to buy a new one. A work friend offered to help bring my new purchase home in his truck in exchange for me to stay at the office to finish a project I was helping him with to meet an urgent deadline. When my friend came home, my husband told him to leave it in the garage. My husband told my friend he didn’t want to burden him with carrying the treadmill downstairs. Asked him to leave in the garage and later my husband will take it downstairs himself. My friend was very thankful and came to the office and told me what my husband said. I told him I wasn’t sure that would happen. My friend then told me that if my husband doesn’t take down by the following week, he’ll do it himself. He said “I promised you to take it to the basement and I’ll do exactly that”.

My friend came to our house the following week, carried the treadmill from the garage, we he had left it that week before, and put it in the basement where I had originally asked him to put it.

I’ve gained a lot of weight over the last 30 years and every time he gets a hint of me trying to diet, he’ll begin his bullying, making fun of me as a gainer, not a loser, and whatever I eat, he’ll say “that’s disgusting”. I’ve learned to stay away from him during meals because of his treatments, and the rest of the time for the same reason.

4-7-08 The “Talk”

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Yesterday was the day our son had us both talking. My Husband Promised he’d listen and allow me to talk so I tested him. Every time prior to yesterday I try to say anything, he would interrupt and start yelling. It’s been 19 years of this. Actually, a Lot less because since I had my son, I’ve stayed away from saying much to him. He still found excuses to yell, scream. & insult me in every situate he can, but I stay away from the raging volcano called my Husband. Because our son is young, he’ll find things I do wrong with him to use as excuses to erupt, or if I write a check like the issue of last month, etc. It doesn’t matter the reason he just cannot stand me.

When we sat to talk, I started with telling him that he dominates my life and suppresses any effort from me to tell him how I feel. I told man the things I remembered from the time in N.J, when I had to work at a department store after I came home from work to help with finances according to his nags and complaints. this took place just a month after we were married and my

dad had just giving us a large sum of money as a gift at our wedding. I have always listened to his needs and requests and tried to do what I can to accommodate him. I’ve considered his requests as my demands and go to bat to fulfill them all. In return, he’s done nothing to accommodate me. All he’s done is heard himself talk and he’s lived in his own world. He won’t let me say my peace so there is no other side according to him. All this time I’ve been able to take it for our son’s sake and I’ve been thinking I can keep on going like this taking this horrible life for my son’s sake. But when he blew up last month a day after his mom Left because I wrote checks to fix my car and to the dentist, checks that I did tell him about, I feel it is not possible for me to keep taking it like this.

While I was talking, I felt he was half way listening. I told him he just wants to do what feels good to him regardless of who he hurts. One example I gave him, was sleeping in our son’s room just because he’s mad at me he should not just use our son as a roommate. I told him since our son was little “you’ve been telling him he needs to be a big boy and sleep by himself. Now that he actually wants to be alone in his room, you go sleep in his room because it serves your interest”. You want everyone else to do the right thing, but none of this applies to you. I told him “I emailed you, I’ve told talked to you about it and even on son, has told you he wants to sleep alone, but you leave me every night and go to his room. Do you have any idea how his friends would mock his if they knew his dad sleeps in his room? None of them will think or believe him if he says it’s not him who wants this, it’s his dad. You justify everything to yourself if you’ve doing it, but if I tell you a fiend of our son ‘s dad sleeps in his kid’s room you’ll have a field day with it. You’ll Laugh, make fun of the dad and the son to the point we could not be friends with them anymore”.

This talk was not all like this, it took a long time, I talked, I cried, I Left and walked the neighborhood, came back and continued talking, and talked

some more. I also told him how he makes it so difficult to say anything to him. Even if I agree with him he yells and screams He did tell me he’s going to do better and that he’s working on his anger (I don’t know what that means) and will do his best to be a better person and more considerate. I really don’t know how I reacted to his reply, I was too emotional that I got as much out of my heart as possible, I hope all these declarations will be realized and he will work of getting us to be a better family.

Today, I’m just very down, even though I think I got my point across in front of my son and got him to admit his faults, I’m just very down and have been crying all day. Now, at 7 pm, I feel better and hope this was just a residue of what I was carrying in my heart all this time and it is gone now.

He wasn’t his Parent’s Favorite Child

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When we were first married, he used to make me feel sorry for him, he’d say that when he was growing us his parents had favorites and did not give him a chance to speak his mind or chose a vacation or sit by the driver in the car, etc. etc. One of the items he repeated to me as an example of his parent’s discrimination against him was never allowing him to choose a place to go for an afternoon or a weekend. I felt very bad for him and wanted to make sure he got that wish the next time we went out. The following weekend we were wondering where to go for a day, so I asked him where he wanted to go, he said “I don’t care, where do you want to go?” I Said.” I really don’t care, but let’s go where you wait to go to start anew, no more you don’t get your wish, your new family would grant you all your wishes” he looked at me for a short pause, he stared and then said in a stern voice “No don’t give me that attitude, You say this now, and then for the rest of my life every time we do something, you’ll throw that in my face, He started to act like he’s imitating me and said “Remember when you got your wish that one time?! ”talking like as though me talking back at him.

I just stood there for a while, didn’t Know how to reply to what he was saying, I’ve never encountered someone in all my life who’d take a nice gesture like this from his newly married wife and throw it in her face like I had insulted him. Needless to say, we didn’t go anywhere that weekend I just spent most of it crying alone.

4/2/08 – Began to Open up to People

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Yesterday, I went to My cousin’s house. her and her husband have been close to us and her husband has been close to my husband. I opened up and told them about my husband. they were shocked to hear about my husband behaviors and how he’s been treating me. my cousin is husband kept saying this is so unbelievable. He said my husband does not exhibit any of these behaviors in public and he is very disappointed in him. He told me he’s always considered my husband as his by auger brother and now he is very unhappy with his behaviors. the love of money f. on my husband’s poet and how he wants to control me & is not what he expected from my husband.

Last week when my son and I were talking about this subject and how my husband treats me, my son told me may be dad is this way because his parents treated him this way I told my son that I only blame myself for how his dad treats me. I tried to Live and lead by example, so I turned the other cheek, figuratively, every time he slapped me on one. He got in the hobbit of slapping me and I turn the other cheek. He slaps and I forgive, turn and give the other cheek.

Him being bad to the core person helped him take advantage of me and get more control, yet never stop to see what he was doing to our relationship and our lives. Now when I have decided that I could not go on any more like this, he is simply stunned. He cannot admit to himself that he’s done anything wrong. Since he is incapable of smoothing things up and talk about the problems that got us to this point. This last fight happened the day after his Mon Left which was on March 6th. today is April 2nd and he has not bothered to lift a finger to help the situation. Easter came and left out he is quiet. making no effort to talk to me.

When I left my cousin’s house last night, my son called me to say that his dad had talked to him and told him that he wants us to go out of town for the weekend. My son also told me that he thinks his dad wants to work on this problem and he’s willing to talk, or more accurately, to listen, my son said “I told dad that means that you allow mom to talk and you talk with me in the room, too ok? and dad said yes”

It Broke My heart that my son was Calling me to deliver “Good News”.  He wanted to make me happy by telling me that his dad is willing to talk oral discuss the problem. All I could do to stop from crying now white writing this and especially last night when I felt his anguish and was elated to deliver this news to me.

I wasn’t loved from day one

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I met my husband at a wedding. The wedding was a long distance wedding for both of us. I thought he was charming, handsome and nice during the pre-wedding and wedding events. After I went back to my home at the time, he called several times, and visited me few times and I enjoyed my time with him and truly felt that he was the one.

On one of his visits, he proposed and I said yes, was very happy and was truly on cloud nine.  When we planned our living arrangements, I transferred with my job to his state, he knew where my office was going to be located, and he was going to get us an apartment with a location convenient to both of us. I, being the naïve and stupid that I was, and believe I still am, didn’t check on anything. I just got movers to move my furniture to the place the love of my life has chosen for us to start our lives together.  When I went to visit before the wedding, the apartment was not ready, so I stayed with his family.

After the wedding, we moved to our new apartment, and the day after we arrived, I drove 90 minutes to get to my job.  His office was 10 minutes from our new apartment.  so for the next year and a half, I had three hours a day drive to go to work and back, while he had a total of 20 minutes.  My work started at 7 am so I had to leave every day at 5:30 am, while his work started at 9 so he didn’t have to leave before 8:45 am.

From the beginning of our marriage, my husband complained a lot about money and how little of it we have.  When we got married in 1989, making over $100,000  was considered a lot of money and other than the rent and utilities, we did not have any other expenses. But there was a constant tone from him about how little money we have and how he wished we made more.  The way he talked and I believed everything he said, made me forget reality. Reality that we are fine financially, and that we received a wedding gift from my family $100,000 just a couple of months ago that we have not used but we’re actually adding to it. We weren’t poor like he was making me feel, in fact, we were wealthy in the normal standard of living.

His passive aggressive nags pushed me, at that time, to get a second afternoon job at a local department store so I can earn money to use for our daily living. I was brainwashed that we were so poor, that I needed to get this second job to save our lives. Thinking about that time of my life, I truly hate myself for falling pry to this giant con-artist.  I drive 3 hours each day to go to work, I leave at 5:30 am, I do all the cleaning, cooking, ironing, and other house chores. He spends less than 30 minutes in the car each day, rests more than me, does not do anything around the house except complain about how I do things, he keeps all the money we both make, and I then go get a second job to please him.

Most of the times when I hear someone had some all the stupid things I’ve done, I want to say the common thing that everyone tents to say in these situations “She brought this to herself”, and as true as that is, I was to tell myself, if I had married the right person, all the work I had put into this marriage, would’ve been well worth it. When 2 people marry for the right reasons, even if one works harder than the other, the communications, understandings, and love for one another makes life worth it, and the future worth looking forward to.

I know that if I leave the control in my husband’s hands, when we retire, he will live in a mansion, and leave me in a homeless shelter. He never had any use for me other that what I can do for him. today, 30 years later, he is worse that before, more obvious about his goals in life, and more hateful toward me.

February 27, 2008 I know I’m doing the right thing, yet still Afraid

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I arrived early to school to pick up my son. While waiting, I could not get rid of the thoughts running through my head about my husband. Yesterday, while his mom is staying with us and he is out of town, she told him that we are going to spend the night at my parents house while they’re out of town on vacation. If my parents were in town, they would insist on it. Their house is large enough to accommodate all of us, and they live close to the main roads where if it snowed a little and school is not closed, they can manage getting out and driving to school. Our road, however, is very curvy, long, and hilly. The smallest amount of snow cripples us and we cannot get out. For that reason, depending on our schedule, I opt to spend the night at my parents house the night before I know it will snow.  When my husband is out of town and when its just me and my son at home, I can make that decision easily. But when my mother in law is with us, and knowing her eagerness to create trouble for me, every right decision, is run through the mill and has to end up in him screaming at me and making me cry for a long time.

I had arranged for my son to be picked up by another mom who was going to take her kids and mine to the pool for swimming lesson, while I go home to get our overnight bags and ask my mother in law to do the same. I was then going to drop her off at a restaurant where a friend had invited her, go get my son from swimming, then go back to get her and go to my parents house to spend the night.  My son had a 2 day standardized exams for yesterday and today and I wasn’t going to allow snow to deter him from scoring as high as possible.

But when I called her to tell her that’s the plan, she hesitated and said ok. when I went home to pack for me and my son and pick her up, she told me to call my husband because he’s calling me and I’m not replying.  She was right, I knew if I do talk to him, the interrogations will begin and I will end up crying and him yelling at me.  I did not want to deal with that again and just ignored his calls.  I told her I’ll call him soon, but I did not. I kept going with the plan while the outer layer of my body felt too tight around me and kept getting tighter.  I took her to the restaurant, went to where my son was at the fitness center, spend a little time with him and the other mom and kids, then went to pick her up. She asked if I talked to my husband and I said I have not had the chance but will do soon.  I had my son talk to him to tell him that we’re spending the night at Grandma’s house because of the test he has to take the next day but I did not talk to him.

One sure thing about my husband, if he knows I am the only audience, he will sure make my life miserable.  No witnesses means let’s harass, abuse, demean, and destroy, her and later act like nothing has happened and if questioned, deny deny deny.  While he thinks he is being smart about this behavior, he cannot be dumber for destroying himself in the process. What so unfortunate is he is doing this because his hate for me overshadows everything else he does in life.