Because my husband cannot believe that he is a source of any negativity in the world, he always reflects that negativity on me. At the Beginning of on marriage, I used to give him a list of groceries I need for dinner, and for years afterward, when we invited company for dinner, I would give him a list of grocery items and ask him to get from the local grocery store. He would take that list and leave the house on the morning of our dinner party and would not come back with the groceries until its almost time for the company to arrive. At that time. I had no way of contacting him, no texts or cell phones. I just wait to use the ingredients for the meal I’m preparing and not get them until few minutes before our guests arrive. If I ask him “where have you been” I get the yelling and screaming usual Answer. this answer used to hit me like a brick wall, I’d be tired from working all day, worried that something bad happed to him, and then get hit with this type of answer. Most of the time, I’d cry and cry and cry some more. I got used to telling our guests that I had eye allergies from chopping onions.
He did something else when we had company. Again, this wasn’t at all something I knew so it shocked me for a very Long time before I started avoiding it and calling him on it. He would wait for our guests to leave and while I’m still clearing up and putting things away, the ‘d come in the room I am working in and start telling me all the wrongs I committed during our dinner party. For example:” why did you say you cooked the Rice, when I had told them earlier when you were not in the room, that I cooked the Rice?’ If I say why did you lie? he’d start yelling at me by saying “I never lie, how dare you say I lie?” “But I cooked the Rice! I would reply. “Yes, but you should’ve just changed the subject” and he’d keep going like this for no reason at all just to pick and pick any if he hears any reply from me, regardless of what it is, he’ll start the screening episodes. This wasn’t a once in a while thing, it happened every time we had company. After a while, I reduced the number of time I agreed to have company. then, I started to tell him he does this to get his attention to it and hope it’ll change, but eventually I stopped having any company over. After all, I worked, I prepared, I cooked, I cleaned, I did everything, and the end result is me being called names, and get yelled at and cry. I did not know these are personalities traits of an abusive person. At the beginning, I believed him what he said about me, then I just hated having people over because it reminded me of awful feelings, then I realized he’s just doing this at the times when I am the weakest to show strength and domination.
Every once in a while, random people from our inner circle would say to use me. “Your husband is jealous of you” I would completely dismiss it because there is no reason for him to be jealous of me. He is a very handsome man, very smart, very presentable, and can do more than most people ca. He has accomplished a lot in his life, makes excellent salary and has been able to purchase may businesses and make good money from each and every business he’s been in. For me, things like cooking, preparing a good dinner party, etc. is not a reason to be jealous. Especially if the one doing it is your spouse. Aren’t we suppose to complete each other? I don’t need to be good in the things he’s good at, I just need to be good at the items that I’m good at, and vice versa.
More than 25 years into our marriage, I heard my cousin’s husband once tell mine ”Your wife is one of the Best cooks around, but I never hear you say anything good about her cooking. Even when we compliment her about her Cooking, you reply by saying you cooked it all, but we all know that she did”. I was so happy to hear that I got a real nice compliment and my husband got lectured to compliment me on my cooking. In our private life, every time I make dinner and ask him how’s dinner? he’d pause, say it was so-so, and then tell me how unimportant food is to him. He then would how he wishes they’ be made a pill he could take to act as a meal instead of actually eating a meal. He would never offer a compliment and if I ask he’ll give me this answer to shut me up. of course, this too, made me stop asking, and later stop, cooking all together.