He Befriends my FB friends, but Rude to them in Person

Since my husband works in the information management / computer science field, and he wants to know everything, he always ask to be friends with all my FB friends. When he and I first started our own FB accounts, he requested to be my friend, but I never confirmed the request. I don’t remember at that time the reason, either I was feeling down for a mistreatment from him which was often the case, or that I was new to the FB world and did not want to show all my family’s connections. I still do not have any family members listed as such on my account. I do have them listed as friends, but not as family members. Since my husband was much more savvy in the digital world, I knew he would change that and I would not have control over my account. Even with us not being FB friends, he was befriending all my FB friends. The ones who do not know him, feel embarrassed not to accept his requests, so they do thinking he is my husband and they are obligated. He did this to spy on me and keep taps on what I post.

In person, however, he wouldn’t mind being rude to me in front of my friends, and be cold to them. I opened my business as a one man (woman) show for many years. Once I saw an opportunity to expand the business, I hired few business development employees. I befriended these ladies/ employees on FB and had no idea that my husband had asked them to be their friends very soon after they became my friends and just like all others, they accepted. These employees do not know my husband except for when conversations about families and spouses happen. I have told them how smart my husband is especially when it comes to world and American history, and world religions and their histories.

One day, one of my employees and I were driving out of town after work to spend the night and attend a business meeting the next day. A couple of hours into our journey, her high school age daughter called her full of anguish about an assay she needed to write about Islam. My friend was very worried that her daughter would not get a good grade because she does not know much about the religion of Islam nor does she know where to find the appropriate information for this assignment. I, being proud of my husband’s knowledge of the subject, told my friend not to worry, we can call my husband and get all the information she needed. She had a set of questions to ask and then she can write the paper in accordance with the answers she would get from my husband. I was hoping to show him off, and contrary to his many previous behaviors, I thought he would do the right thing this time.

I placed the call on the card Bluetooth and he answered, I very quickly told him that I was with my friend so he’d be nice. I then asked him if he can help her with the list of questions. My friend jumped in and started the small talk with him thinking since they were now friends on FB, they are friends in real life. He was quiet for few seconds. She thought we lost connection, and called out his name. He said “yeah”. She then asked him again how he’s doing, he waited few seconds and said “Good”. It was very awkward for both of us, so I just jumped in and asked if she can list the questions and hope he could answer. She went through the questions and he was easily answered them all very well and answered all the side questions she had for him. Throughout the whole time, he was very dry and not friendly at all. When she finished, she thanked him and was very appreciative, but he kept his dry and almost standoffish way of communicating with me and her.

After we finished the conversation, she asked if we’ve been fighting or he’s had a bad day. I brushed it off and told her sometimes he does come across that way on the phone but he really isn’t that way in person. I made a mental note for myself to do whatever it takes in power not to introduce her to him in person while I was saying that.

I am not the person I thought I was

Growing up, I heard and knew few women who were nice and hard workers, who were taken advantages of by family members. Some by brothers or sister, some by parents or children, but the most I’ve heard of are women who slave to make livings for their families while husbands are either advancing their career, or going through rough career periods in their lives, and when the husbands’ careers become successful, they leave their wives broken, hurt, to advance their own lives and start anew.

I always thought those women are weak, have low self esteem to not see the type of men they married… Until this happened to me. When my husband I got married, I thought of myself as an independent, beautiful, career woman who got married to her equal and they both will advance their lives for a better tomorrow…. Until I realized otherwise. I thought we were both working hard to save to buy businesses, not be dependents on our salaries, so one day we can live happily ever after….Until I realized how wrong I’ve been. I hoped that we would have fun together, have our inside jokes, understand each other with just looks….Until reality shocked me. I wanted a large family, tried very hard to have children, counted every day of every month to test positive for pregnancy… until God told me otherwise. Kept thinking that if we living in such a poor standard, then if I make a little more money, we can breath easier, so I went and got second jobs to supplement our income… Until I realized there would be no change in our standard of living.

All this happened not because I wasn’t independent, ugly, career oriented, made more money, wanted to have fun, tried to joke and have closer relationship with my husband, tried many medical procedures to get pregnant, or actually made more money. I felt like nothing, unsuccessful, ugly, horrible, and an absolute nothing because I married the wrong man and I just did not want to admit it.

He Told me “I’ll Kill You” and I still stayed with him

Many years ago, when I had told myself that I was not leaving my husband no matter what happens, He told me during one of his rages “I’ll Kill You” and all I did was found people who can help us get over that argument. When I think of who I really am and I’ve behaved with him, I get disgusted with myself.

My husband traveled a lot and he always locked all drawers and door in his office. There was one key that I knew where it was which I used during extreme necessities. That necessity came up when I needed a check to either pay for our son’s school or pay for a utility bill before it gets cut off. When I went looking for the key to open the drawer, I did not see it. There was no way for me to get him to open the drawer since he was out of town which meant that either our son’s school will be mad again for not paying our tuition, or we live with no power or water. I was so angry at him for being so hurtful and unconsidered, I took all the keys that the next day, I saw in his office and took them with me to my office, left them there, and forgot about them. Few days later when he came back from his trip, he looked for the keys, did not find them, and asked me about there whereabouts, and when I told him they are in my office and I will bring back when he returns that one key in its original place, his rage became uncontrollable. He yelled, he screamed, he jumped, he actually hit himself with anger, and while doing all this he blurted out “I’m going to Kill you”.

I was not actually afraid he was going to kill me, I was more afraid of what all this rage going to impact my son who was sitting on the stairs, not watching, but listening to all of this. I immediately told my husband that I was going to the office to bring all the key back. I ran upstairs to see my son, found him sitting few steps after where the stairs bend where we could not see him, but he could hear us. I smiled and hugged him and told him that I was going to the office and will be back shortly, asked if he wanted to come with me, he said he just wants to stay in his room and I left.

I drove as fast as I can, went to my office at 9 PM, opened the door, went directly to my drawer, grabbed the keys and drove back home. I gave him the keys and lost another battle with him

Few days later, when he left town again, I took our son, necessary clothes for both of us, left my husband a note reminding him of what he said and told him that I am leaving him. I did not go tell my family but did tell the family friends who we always seek their help during our fights and headed to get a room at a local hotel because I did not want him to be enraged again and hurt any member of my family. I asked my son’s best friend’s mom, if he could come be with us so the two boys can play together and the situation would not be so stressful on my son and she said yes, so I went and picked him up and off to the hotel we headed. Before we got there, the family friend who knew of my plan asked me to go to their house instead of a hotel. So I went to a cousin’s house, left my car there, my friends met me there and we went to stay with them.

When my husband came back that night, read the note I left him, he immediately started calling me and my family. I did not answer but my family were shocked to hear from him that I took our son and left. He got in his card and went to the houses he was assuming I would go to check if my car was there, and he knocked of a couple of people’s homes, including my elderly parents, and in his rage was only asking for our son. He, again, cared nothing about me, he just wanted to take our son back. When the family friend with whom we were staying heard what he is doing, he called him and calmed him down, told him we are staying with them and he should just go home to rest and we’ll solve the problem in the morning.

The following day, I took my son and his friend to school and went back to our friend’s house. My husband was there and we talked about the problem with the keys and that he raged and to me he’ll kill me, and of course he denied he ever said that, gave a lousy excuse about the key; misplaced it or something to that effect and just like the fool I’ve always been, I went back home with him.

I cannot figure out today, after all these years, why I kept staying. I am a woman of family values, deep religion, always worried about my son growing up in one or two homes, and so on and so forth. I think more than anything it always felt that I was a rabbit caught in the headlight. That’s been my life for more than 30 years

He Spies on me all the Time

Not only that I felt I was living in the dungeon, I felt I was being spied on all the time. When we first were married, cell phones were not out yet. Whenever I received a call at home, he would pick the other receiver to listen to my conversations. I asked him to stop because people knew he was listening and that made me and my family and friends uncomfortable. That created huge fight and he began accusing me of doing things behind his back. It did not matter what I said, he was either going to listen and spy on me, or accuse me of hiding things from him.

He, on the other hand, had everything locked, his drawers, his computer, later on, his phone, even his mail went to a PO box, not to the house. I asked him several times to unlock his drawers or close his PO box, he either gave me lame excuses, or screamed and yelled as usual which the end results remains the same; he will not share anything with me.

Many of our arguments escalated to where we needed third parties to help us. On once of these occasions, we asked family members to help us. During that discussion, he agreed to close the PO box which made me happy. Few days later I asked if he has done that he said no, I asked again few days after that and he again said no. The next time I asked, he yelled and screamed again which stopped me from asking again.

That’s how he always won, his screaming, yelling, his anger drove him to jumping and violently moving his arms up and down which always and will always scares me to death. I never wanted to see that, and never will.

I’ve Become Callous

The first 26 years of my life, I was in love with the world. I was always happy, outgoing, and not afraid to speak my mind. Soon after I got married, I was hit with a huge brick wall that kept me disillusioned, scared, and very unhappy.

Over the last 32 years of marriage, I found myself getting less and less happy, and more and more callous. I go through the motions of being excited, happy, and all the normal emotions, but there is a disconnect between what I present and who I am. I hate who I’ve become and I blame no one but my husband for who I am now.

Growing up in the Middle East, I still get in touch with few of my High School friends. As soon as I see me or hear my voice, they remind me of who I was then, full of life, funny, and not afraid of anything. Today, I am bland on the inside, no feelings whatsoever. That alone, saddens me tremendously. My nature is still fun loving, outgoing, but my spirit is dead.

Every day, I tell myself that I am an intelligent outgoing businesswoman who is doing a good job always improving her business. I am also a great and very proud mom of a wonderful handsome man who is getting his post graduate education paid for by scholarships who loves his family and has a great relationship with me. I have the rest of my family and numerous friends from all walks of life whom I love and they love me. I am very truthful with every one of this list so why am I unhappy in my core? Why was this man able to switch my spirit inside out? Why dis he have the power to do so while all the others kept their love to me the same if not more?

Made Funny Faces behind my Back

My husband used to always make funny face, stick his tongue out, open his hands and stick his thumb in his ears and wave his hand to make fun of me behind my back. My son used to tell me that all the time. I tried several times to surprise him and look back to catch him in the act but of course he would stop immediately and just look at me like nothing has happened.

He was doing it to make our son laugh at the beginning, but then he found power in doing so and he kept doing it. He knew it bothered me and frustrated me which he loved so he kept doing it. I tried to ask him politely to stop, he always denied it and he never stopped.

He used this tactic again to belittle me in front of our son. He was always jealous of my relationship with our son and wanted to ruin it. My husband could not stand that our son loved me. I had no problem with our son loving him, but he hated the fact that my son loved me. The environment he grew up in was always divided. If the father loved my husband, that would mean he did not love his brother, and visa versa. I never experienced this growing up in my family so I never thought to watch for it. I did everything I could to get my son and my husband to have a good relationship but my husband, the dad in this situation, has a very bad personality and was not cooperating.

Today, our son is an adult and has what I would call lukewarm relationship with his dad. The fact that they have any relationship is because I always instilled in our son the importance of having a good loving relationship with his dad. I always justified his actions, and I always told our son that despite all his bad behavior, his dad loves him more than anyone else in the world. That is what he is capable of.

I did all I could to make that father-son relationship work not for my husband ‘s sake, after what he’s put me through, I did not care one bit about his happiness. I did all that because I wanted our son to grow up as normal as could be. It was for his sake that I pushed him to be friendly with his dad and to spend time with him.

A band-aid, never a permanent fix

My husband and I fought a lot. I always wanted to make sure that whatever I did that made him angry with me would never happen again. He, on the other hand, never bothered to fix anything. If he tells me I should never call him honey (and he has), I never did afterwards. If he says to put the toilet paper rolls a certain way in the bathroom (and he has done that too), I never put it any other way. If the table is turned, he never does anything I ask him to do, no matter how simple that task is.

I gave up on asking him to take the trash out a long time ago. At the beginning of our marriage, I tried; at first, I was ignored, and later I got yelled at several times so I gave up. Other things like, please can you make sure you turn off the hair dryer before you unplug it? or when I call from work and ask to please read the piece of paper that I left on the table? These requests would initiate a huge argument and result in a big fight, and the end result would be we would not speak to each other for a while. When we actually try to rehash what happened so we would avoid the problem from happening again. In his case, he’ll go back doing what he aggravated me before at the first chance he gets.

This behavior made me feel that I am discredited, he does not care about me at all, he wants to hurt me again especially now that he knows it hurts, and most of all; I believe he never intended to fix anything so we can stop having troubles and fights again. All he ever cared about was to band-aid the problem. I believe his thought were always of “Lets tell her what she wants to hear for now and have her talk with me, cook, and clean for me, and that’s that”.

Few years back, our fight was about him always putting me down, answering negatively and the first word out of his mouth for anything I ask was “No”. That fight escalated where we could not resolve it by ourselves, I reached out to friends to help us fix the problem. When we talked with them about our issue, they advised him to be encouraging, to be positive, to stop putting me down, etc. He agreed, I was happy and we went home. As soon as we went home, we were discussing a simple thing and he immediately came out swinging by saying no I cannot do what I was asking to do, and that I wasn’t good enough to do it. I thought to remind him of our agreement that we just made and he agreed to at our friend’s house. When I did, I was bombarded with loud screams and yelling, put downs, jumping with rage, etc. etc. etc.

He never wanted, intended, or even bothered to think for a moment that his words and actions effect the people around him. He never thought that just treating me like a human being could make his life better, he never for a split second that he needed to do anything to fix anything. Everything wrong in the world is someone else’s fault. In the case of our marriage, he thinks it is all my fault.

His Moral Compass is “to oppose me”

I realized soon after we got married that my husband loves to argue, fight, yell, and scream, for no reason at all. He argued with me even if I agreed with him. I didn’t know what was happening. I’ve never been in situations when every conversation would turn from nice to horrible gradually. It was soon after we were married that I found myself, subconsciously, never opening conversations with him, answering as little as possible to questions he asks of me, and only talk freely when there are others in the room. That was my only assurance that he won’t blow his top off when I opened my mouth.

I realized early on that I was an annoyance to him no matter what I did. It felt that I had a personality that people likes and wanted to befriend except my husband. When one feels unloved by the person they love the most, life gets very dark.

I stayed in that relationship being hurt every day by the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my live with because I first didn’t want to believe it, then because I though I could change how he felt about me, didn’t want to admit it to the world that I married the wrong man, and mostly, I didn’t want to hurt the people around me especially my son.

My mind was always very simple; always nice and polite, honest and sincere, never planned an outcome of a conversation with anyone before I married him. Shortly after we were married, I was yelled at all the time, I lost every argument, I was trying very hard to please the man I loved but there was nothing that pleased him. He complained about everything, work, apartment cleanliness, money, where we lived, prices of everything, etc. etc. I took everything to heart and went out of my was to eliminate that complain to make him happy. The more I tried, the unhappier he was and I never stopped trying for many years.

I was so stupid that I did not realize early enough that his only moral compass was to oppose me. He did not care to be right or wrong, all he cared about is to be on the opposite side of me. As frustrating as that was, it was compounded after our son was born. The frustration buildups when the rights and wrongs of raising a child meant nothing at all, he always rushed to disagree with everything I said or did in front of our son. In order to make sure our son knows rights from wrongs, I started explaining to him why I was asking him to do certain things including homework, brushing his teeth, going to school, etc. I thought at the time, and it actually worked, that when my husband would disagree with me when if I asked our son to do his homework, our son would know the reason why he was asked to do his homework and actually do it.

I found myself planning which conversation to reply to or comment about when my husband was home. I stopped myself from talking when he is around which went against every grain in my body. After a while, I noticed myself talking a lot in silence rather than in my real voice.

Depression Tips

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes.

Put on your favorite underwear. Cute black lacy panties? Those ridiculous boxers you bought last Christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? Put them on.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use lemon.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. 

*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on.

*** In case nobody has told you today I love you and you are worth your weight and then some in gold, so be kind to yourself and most of all keep pushing on!!!!

Find something to be grateful for!

**copied and pasted, feel free to do the same**

Master of Deceit

Before my husband and I got married, he was very attentive, wanted to take care of me, and told me how much he loved me. I was so in love, I believed every thing he told me. He gave me expensive gifts and made me feel loved. All this changed very quickly after we got married. Not long after we got married, he became a completely different person. He started yelling at me for the slightest thing, he showed no emotions at all, and he would not give me any money to spend on life’s necessaties.

I did not know anyone in the town we lived in after our wedding. I only knew his family and his uncle’s family. His uncle’s wife was friendly to me so I formed a comfortable relationship with her. Once he noticed that I am talking with her few times a week, he started putting obstacles in our ways. He told me that she is not a good friend, she’s been a cause of many fights and disagreements in the family, she is a bad person and I should stay away from her. He and his mom even told me few times that this lady’s cooking is very bad. He did everything possible to keep me away from her. At that time, I believed everything he and his mother told me and I stayed away from his uncle’s wife. What I was very puzzled at was the fact that when we were invited to his uncle’s house, and we did get invited a lot, he, his mom, and the uncle’s wife seem very friendly, they had many inside jokes, we always had a great time visiting with them, and her food was delicious.

I was so naive at that time, I never put 2 and 2 together. Just took things at its face value and believed everything the man I loved told me. It was years later, and repeated tainted advice about his family members, that made me realize that he just wanted me separated from everyone around me. He spoke ill of everyone in his family, and later when we moved closer to my family, did the same about my friends and family. Every time we were invited to dinner with any friend and family member, as soon as we get in the car going back home, he would start talking badly about everyone and if I dare to defend anyone (I did that a lot at the beginning, I was an outspoken righteous person at that time), he would start insulting me and yells uncontrollably which would end up with me crying and not sleeping all night long. The Yelling, screaming, and insulting world is my husband’s comfort zone. He always wanted to go to that zone and it did not matter how he ends up there. I never wanted to end up in that zone, but he always managed to take me there. He manipulated his way to get me insulted, yelled and screamed at every chance he got.