The first 26 years of my life, I was in love with the world. I was always happy, outgoing, and not afraid to speak my mind. Soon after I got married, I was hit with a huge brick wall that kept me disillusioned, scared, and very unhappy.
Over the last 32 years of marriage, I found myself getting less and less happy, and more and more callous. I go through the motions of being excited, happy, and all the normal emotions, but there is a disconnect between what I present and who I am. I hate who I’ve become and I blame no one but my husband for who I am now.
Growing up in the Middle East, I still get in touch with few of my High School friends. As soon as I see me or hear my voice, they remind me of who I was then, full of life, funny, and not afraid of anything. Today, I am bland on the inside, no feelings whatsoever. That alone, saddens me tremendously. My nature is still fun loving, outgoing, but my spirit is dead.
Every day, I tell myself that I am an intelligent outgoing businesswoman who is doing a good job always improving her business. I am also a great and very proud mom of a wonderful handsome man who is getting his post graduate education paid for by scholarships who loves his family and has a great relationship with me. I have the rest of my family and numerous friends from all walks of life whom I love and they love me. I am very truthful with every one of this list so why am I unhappy in my core? Why was this man able to switch my spirit inside out? Why dis he have the power to do so while all the others kept their love to me the same if not more?
One thought on “I’ve Become Callous”
You have such a loving, kind, strong spirit. I know your “original” spirit is still there. Who we are never leaves us. Maybe you need to realize that you truly are safe so that you can let her out again.
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