Many years ago, when I had told myself that I was not leaving my husband no matter what happens, He told me during one of his rages “I’ll Kill You” and all I did was found people who can help us get over that argument. When I think of who I really am and I’ve behaved with him, I get disgusted with myself.

My husband traveled a lot and he always locked all drawers and door in his office. There was one key that I knew where it was which I used during extreme necessities. That necessity came up when I needed a check to either pay for our son’s school or pay for a utility bill before it gets cut off. When I went looking for the key to open the drawer, I did not see it. There was no way for me to get him to open the drawer since he was out of town which meant that either our son’s school will be mad again for not paying our tuition, or we live with no power or water. I was so angry at him for being so hurtful and unconsidered, I took all the keys that the next day, I saw in his office and took them with me to my office, left them there, and forgot about them. Few days later when he came back from his trip, he looked for the keys, did not find them, and asked me about there whereabouts, and when I told him they are in my office and I will bring back when he returns that one key in its original place, his rage became uncontrollable. He yelled, he screamed, he jumped, he actually hit himself with anger, and while doing all this he blurted out “I’m going to Kill you”.

I was not actually afraid he was going to kill me, I was more afraid of what all this rage going to impact my son who was sitting on the stairs, not watching, but listening to all of this. I immediately told my husband that I was going to the office to bring all the key back. I ran upstairs to see my son, found him sitting few steps after where the stairs bend where we could not see him, but he could hear us. I smiled and hugged him and told him that I was going to the office and will be back shortly, asked if he wanted to come with me, he said he just wants to stay in his room and I left.

I drove as fast as I can, went to my office at 9 PM, opened the door, went directly to my drawer, grabbed the keys and drove back home. I gave him the keys and lost another battle with him

Few days later, when he left town again, I took our son, necessary clothes for both of us, left my husband a note reminding him of what he said and told him that I am leaving him. I did not go tell my family but did tell the family friends who we always seek their help during our fights and headed to get a room at a local hotel because I did not want him to be enraged again and hurt any member of my family. I asked my son’s best friend’s mom, if he could come be with us so the two boys can play together and the situation would not be so stressful on my son and she said yes, so I went and picked him up and off to the hotel we headed. Before we got there, the family friend who knew of my plan asked me to go to their house instead of a hotel. So I went to a cousin’s house, left my car there, my friends met me there and we went to stay with them.

When my husband came back that night, read the note I left him, he immediately started calling me and my family. I did not answer but my family were shocked to hear from him that I took our son and left. He got in his card and went to the houses he was assuming I would go to check if my car was there, and he knocked of a couple of people’s homes, including my elderly parents, and in his rage was only asking for our son. He, again, cared nothing about me, he just wanted to take our son back. When the family friend with whom we were staying heard what he is doing, he called him and calmed him down, told him we are staying with them and he should just go home to rest and we’ll solve the problem in the morning.

The following day, I took my son and his friend to school and went back to our friend’s house. My husband was there and we talked about the problem with the keys and that he raged and to me he’ll kill me, and of course he denied he ever said that, gave a lousy excuse about the key; misplaced it or something to that effect and just like the fool I’ve always been, I went back home with him.

I cannot figure out today, after all these years, why I kept staying. I am a woman of family values, deep religion, always worried about my son growing up in one or two homes, and so on and so forth. I think more than anything it always felt that I was a rabbit caught in the headlight. That’s been my life for more than 30 years