Water was cutoff on First Day of School

The summer before my son started 4th grade, we were out of town a lot. Soon after we came home, school started and my son was very excited to go back to school and see his best friend. I had arranged with the best friends mom to let him come home with us after the first day of school.

When I picked up my son from school, he was so happy to have spent the day at school with his friends and that his best buddy was coming home with him. I went through the pick up line and could see him beaming with joy from very far distance. Both boys got in the back seats and kept on conversing about school, friends, and what games they will play when they get to our house. I wasn’t able to say much on the way home because the two of them were having a blast planning their afternoon until his friend goes home.

When we got home, I went directly to the kitchen to make a snack for the boys before they can go out and play. I got fruits and vegetables from the fridge, and went to wash them in the sink, turned on the water but nothing came out. I panicked and went around the house to check but there was no water anywhere. I then called my neighbor to ask if there is any problems with their water and that’s when she told me that a couple of men from the water company came to our house and put a lock on it. She saw that because our houses are situated where one has to enter thru their fenced door to get to the back wall of our hose where our water meter is located. I was shocked. I knew the first time my husband did not pay the water bill because we were all out of town, but this time, even though he is out of town, but he knew that we would be home and I cannot pay the bills. I was never added as a co-signer in any of the bank accounts.

I called the water company and asked them what we owed which was two months of water bills plus penalties and the whole amount was less than $50. They would not take checked, it had to be money order or cash. All this was going on at around 4 pm and they close their office by 5 pm. I was panicking, did not have all of the required money, my husband was out of town, and the place was closing. I asked my son to see if he had any birthday money left in his cup, got that and called my brother because his house was the closest to my house. He was very sympathetic and told me that he had the money and will be happy to give to me. I then added all the money we had at home, which was close to $40 but not the full amount, asked the boys to get in the car quickly, went to my brother’s house, got $10 even though he wanted to pay more, and rushed to the water department to pay so they can re-instate the water before 5 pm.

After collecting all the money, and was driving on the highway on our way to the water department, I called my husband to let him know what happened. The two boys were with me in the car so I had to sound as normal as possible, not panicked and about to have a heart attack. When he answered and we said hello, hope all is well, I said to him that the water company cut off our water today. As soon as I said that, he started shouting loud over the phone and told me that I only call him with problems. I wasn’t in the mood to hear and of his deflections stories at that time, so I just gave the phone to our son who was seated in the back seat. My son heard his shout but when he said “Hi dad” my husband immediately changed his tone, lowered his voice and started with “Hi Honey, how was the first day of school, etc etc.”

I was so disgusted and livid with my husband that even when our son gave the phone back to me, I just hung up. Hanging up on my husband means he wins at the end. He does not have to get in an argument where he knows he’ll lose, and does not have to come up with excuses to shout and yell at me to divert from the reason why I called, and at the end he does not have to pay for his mistakes or aggressions. By the time he comes home from his trip 5 days later, this will be forgotten and he’ll have time to do another act that shows how much he hates me.

I was asked to welcome new refugees, and he made my life hell afterwards

Few years ago, after serving in Iraq and came back home. The office of our mayor asked if I can read a letter he wrote to a group of Iraqi refugees who were invited for a Thanksgivings dinner at a local farm. I was thrilled and honored to be asked. I also was allowed to invite my own family and relatives to this dinner. I asked my husband and our family friends who are very close to us and always help us in times of needs.

The Farm house was huge, and there were at least 100 people there, mostly from Iraq and they all knew that I was representing the mayor for the day so they all treated me very well. I introduced my husband to everyone as well as our friends. It was a great experience for all of us.

After the initial meet and greet, and before we all went down to the big dining hall, the owner of the farm, welcomed everyone, said a prayer, and asked me to read the letter. I read the Mayor’s letter and gave each one a copy as I was asked to do. Everyone cheered, some came to hug me and thank me which I absolutely loved every bit of it.

We then went down to the dinning hall, were served dinner by the owner, his wife and his 7 children, ate the most blessed meal on a very blessed day, in this blessed Country. During our meal, many of the Iraqi refugees came to talk with us and were happy to talk with them. Our friends started their own conversations with many of the new comers and my husband I did the same. At the same time, there were many songs san by the US friends and the Iraqi side. By the time, we finished our dinner, I was full of joy and appreciations to this great family that hosted us, to the mayor for choosing me to represent him, and to the great Country that brings people from all walks of life, corners of the world, and give them equal opportunities to pursue happiness.

We got in our cars and headed home. Few minutes later, I asked him if he can fix the garage remote control of my car. I was unable to get the door open for few days and kept forgetting to ask him to help me with it. As soon as I asked, he started raging with anger and started calling me names while his face turned red. In the middle of all this, he blurted out that f it wasn’t for him, I’d be living in the streets. I kept looking at him and asking him, “Me, without you? I’d be on the streets?”. I repeated this questions and he was going on and on about how he was the one who made me who I am. I was so disgusted with him, and thankfully I was driving, I pulled over and told him to get out of the car. He sat still and stopped talking but would not leave the car. I kept telling him to get out but he never did. I somehow and for the first time, felt power over him and knew the minute we get home I’ll lose the power I have over him so I called the friends who were with us at the Thanksgivings dinner who have always stepped in and helped us when we needed the, and told them what happened and that I want my husband to get out of the car now and he can walk home. Our friends asked us to go to their house instead and I did.

Once we got there, I went on to tell them what he did and he was quiet. He just wanted to be alone with the husband so he could deny everything I said. That was always his style of spreading hate toward me. He never talked to me about any issue, always wanted other people to talk to me. That way, he can say what he wants to get his lies imbedded in the stories he tells others. I was so angry with him for saying what he said when the husband took him aside and started talking to him in private while I was telling the wife what happened.

After a while my husband and our friend came back and I asked my husband the same question ” You think I’d be on the streets if it wasn’t for you?” and he, for the first time in front of others, blow up and started to scream in rage like he always does just with me. The wife stood there quietly in shock while the husband tried to take him away again. When they left, I started to cry uncontrollably. I was thinking why would my husband do this and for no reason at all. Why would he just come up with these hurtful comments out of nowhere. All I did was ask him to fix the remote in my car.

When I started writing about my married life, I came across a blog by Cheriewhite called Chateau Cherie titled Narcissists, Bullies, and Jealousy. Just wanted to point out that my getting the recognitions at the thanksgivings event made me the target of the Narcissist, bully, and jealous husband she writes about. I’m just copying her blog post here (I hope its ok) to show how she knew how my husband’s personality would behave in every step of the way. Here is what she wrote:

At the end of this, my husband came back with our friend, he said he’s sorry, I was embarrassed for having all this going on in front of our friends, and said ok and we then went home. I do not think that anything was resolved, we just went home and continued living our broken lives.

Bullies see any recognition the target gets for a good deed, high marks, an accomplishment, or success as the target’s having diminished them somehow. If you’re a target, these types of bullies will only see any success you enjoy as a reflection on them.

You force them to think about and take stock of their own successes and failures. Understand that it’s the bullies’ self-focus that sets the stage for their anger and hostility toward you. They will personalize your success as if you’re an opponent who’s competing with them for the same prize.

The bullies are forced to compare themselves with you because they’re afraid that other people will consider them less worthy or important than you. They feel invisible and left out because they’re not getting the praise that you’re getting. So, they get a sense of disregard from others.

But rather than have normal feelings of disappointment and regret, they have anger and hatred toward you.

Although you never harm them, the bullies feel a sense of injustice because they feel that you don’t deserve the recognition, but they do. They feel wronged and very much entitled to their anger and hostility.

Bullies will then accuse you of thinking you’re better than they are- as if they know what you’re thinking. And they really do think they can read your mind correctly, which then only further arouses their anger and hate.

Again, according to the bullies’ logic, you’ve wronged them somehow so, you are the enemy. And this perceived wrong that you’ve done compels the bullies to act hostile toward you because the bullies’ egos have been bruised by your successes and accomplishments.

Just as money is the root of evil, the ego is the root of jealousy. And bullies have enormous egos!

He Disconnected his car battery when he went out of town

About 15 years ago, my husband was out of town, me and my son were alone, as it is usually the case, at home. We live in a neighborhood where hone are detached but very close to each other. I remember once when our fire alarm was beeping, three of our neighbors came running to to help us.

That particular night, at around 3 or 4 am, I heard a very loud alarm sound. It was so loud, it felt like it was in my bedroom. I got out of bed and ran downstairs and realized it was coming from our garage. One of our cars’ alarm was so loud, it probably woke up the whole neighborhood. I rushed to the garage, when I opened the door I could not tell which car was the one with the alarm off. I rushed trying to turn any of them off, I started with opening the doors, no change, I then went and got the key to my car and put in the door, again, no change. I looked for the keys of my husband’s car but couldn’t find it. I then went to my car again frantically and put the key in the ignition and the alarm turned off. OMG what an ordeal. I sat by the garage door for few minutes trying to recover from the shock. I was so embarrassed knowing that most of our neighbors woke up because of my car, and was shocked because it did happen and I had no idea why.

The next morning, I was still rattled, I called my husband before I took our son to school to tell him what happened. He was quiet when I was telling him the intimate details, and then when I started telling him how confused I was not knowing which car the alarm was from, he just said “It’s not my car, I unplugged the battery of my car”. That, there, effected me more that day than the whole ordeal I went through the night before.

My husband obviously does not want me to drive his car while he’s out of town. We’ve been married at that time about 17 years and I only drove his car once and it was for a specific reason; his car is an SUV, I was taking my friends to the airport and could not fit their luggage in my car. I have never needed his car, not did I ever wanted to drive his car. I always felt like I am stealing something if I ever thought about driving his car, which is why I never drove it. But to unplug the battery and not tell me about it at all made me very unhappy. I could not get angry because that never achieves anything with my husband. If I get angry, he’ll immediately raises his voice at me and won’t let me talk. I get shut down and all the anger and frustrations stay inside.

He did not want me to drive his car while he knew I did not drive it but did not want to take the slightest chance of me driving his car while he’s out of town. He didn’t have a problem whatsoever using my car, but he locks his car and won’t let me use it. He yelled and screamed at one once because I used the words “My Car”. He told me there is no such thing as “My” in this family, everything is “Our”. That rule, just as every other rule, applies to everyone else in the world except him.

He stopped eating his favorite dish when he found out I made it, not his mom

We had many family and extended family and friends come to town to celebrate our son’s First Communion. We were all so excited for the event, had invited more than 100 people and were going to church first, have a reception and outdoors children activities, and then a dinner banquet party with live band and dancing.

While my family and most of the extended family members live in our town or nearby, my husbands live far and had to travel to come here. Our customs are to host them on our house so we had my mother in law, and 2 of my husband’s siblings stay with us. During their stay, I was cooking for them traditional meals and we were having great time with them. Usually there are only my son and I because my husband traveled a lot and when my husband was in town, he hardly talked to me so we had a somewhat quiet home. During those few days leading up to the First communion and after, we had a houseful of guest and we enjoyed having everyone.

It is worth mentioning, my husband tries to show his siblings that we have a good relationship. He doesn’t try to do that with his mother, but he does with his siblings. It’s like, he wants to compete with them on who has the better marriage, better home, more money, etc. So during those days, I enjoyed my husband talking with me and treating me like a normal human being.

After the celebrations and most people, except his mom, did go back. One morning, we were having breakfast, my husband, my son, my mother in law and me, when my husband pleasantly surprised me by asking if we still have any more of a especial dish. Even though I love cooking and I cook well, he always put my cooking down. When he asked for it, I was happy and got up to go to the refrigerator to get it for him, he repeated the request by saying “the one my mom made”. I didn’t think twice about it just rushed to get it and while I was removing the saran wrap, I said to him “I made it”. He asked what I said and I was cheerfully proud to repeat “I made it”. I was happy that he actually aren’t knocking something I’ve made and saying it loud in front of his mom. As soon as I said that he looked at his mom and looked at me and said nothing, but he did not eat it. He ate that same dish earlier and the day before when his mother lied to him and told he that she made it and loved it to ask for it again. The minute he found out I made it, he stopped eating it. The dish did not change taste, he did.

My husband knew that complementing someone on a job well done, a dish that taste good, make that person feel good, feel loved, but when that good or loved feeling was directed at me, he always found a way to immediately stop it. I keep asking myself, why? I’ve done all I could do to make his life better, and after all these years, his life is much better. The better his life got, with all my contributions, the more he hated me.

We went to our son’s HS Senior Trip

When our son was a senior in HS, many parents arranged for a cruise trip for parents and seniors as a farewell and sort of a sendoff to the real world. As usual, my husband avoided talking with me about anything so I always was the one who made any social arrangements that included the whole family. Any social event my husband found out about and went to, he did by himself and went alone. If people ask about me, he’s say, I was either sick, out of town, and any other excuse he could come up with at that moment. I know this because I always run into people who ask me if I’m feeling well or if I’m still traveling a lot.

For that trip, I arranged everything and the way it worked out, each one of the families got a suite where the parents and their kids stayed together. That cruise was seven days and it was a great trip for all of us. We all had a great time socializing and getting closer as friends. Our son had told us long before we went on that trip not to put his pictures on social media and if we did, not to tag him. I think at the time, he was going thru the phase where he wanted to be independent and did not want his parents friends to comment on his tagged pictures which are visible to his friends.

I tried to always accommodate our son when asked for things like this, so I never tagged him or posted pictures of him on my social media accounts. What I did instead, was take a lot of pictures of my son and his friend, and when I came back I made him a souvenir photobook as a keepsake. While on the trip, I gave access to my son to all the pictures I was taking so he could share with his friends and they all had a great time looking at the pictures, sharing them, and posting the ones they wanted.

I did not know this at the time, but apparently my husband was taking lots of pictures of him and our son, whenever he was alone with him, and posting the pictures as well as tagging our son. I did not know and even if I did know, there wouldn’t’ve been anything I could do to ask him not to do so, but at that time, even my son wasn’t taking it seriously. When we came back, however, I was told by many of our family and close friends who knew we had all gone on the trip that all the pictures my husband had posted were only of him and our son. I did not exist in any of the pictures or the posts that he broadcasted to all his friends all over the world. I felt really bad that husband just excluded me from the the memories he was sharing with everyone. I just do not exist in his conscious at all. What made me feel even worse was when I ran into other extended friends who asked me why I did not join my husband and my son on the cruise trip.

This is the example of what husband thinks of me, insignificant. He wants me to work, bring a salary, clean the house, cook, raise our child, and be blank from his life. Other than that, I should not have presence in his life at all.

He wanted to drive from Paris to south of France

When our son was 5 years we went to France for vacation. Our flight was to Paris and we were going to South of France after few days. Because I had studies French and was able to communicate, my husband wanted to rent a car and drive south, but I was uncertain I can communicate well enough to ask for directions in the villages. That was before cell phones and GPS navigations. I knew I could speak a little and could communicate but could not guarantee the villagers would understand my accent, we would know the way, and was just simply too scared to do that. I wanted us to take the safe route but getting train tickets so we can all be assured of where we were going and we could enjoy the journey together and similarly.

Even though since that time, my French has gotten worse, I probably would agree to the driving option today. I know now that I can rely on live navigation systems, and if I don’t know a French word, I know I can quickly find it with all the available communication tools. 20 years ago, I was very uncertain of my capabilities and was afraid for my family.

He kept insisting to drive, was telling me that he heard me talk with the French people and I was doing fine and I should be able to do fine asking for directions. He told me the only reason I was not agreeing with him was because I want to do what I want and don’t care about what anyone else wants. I knew that if I agreed to the driving option and a situation came up where I would have to ask for directions or anything else and I failed to do so, he would never forgive me and whatever happens to us would be my fault. I was in the Damn if you and Damn if you don’t position and was sinking. I knew the yelling and screaming were coming my way, do I take it now and know we will be safe, or later when he blames me for not being able to get us out of an actual problem that could be dangerous for all three of us.

I chose the latter, got yelled at, boycotted me and treated me badly for the remainder of the time we were in Paris, but at least I knew were going to be safe getting to the South of France. That’s how I always lived with my husband. It wasn’t peace or war, it was which was I choose to enlist for.

He Gave me Back my jewelry, and stole one back

At the beginning of our marriage, when my husband told me that we need to merge everything we own. I agreed with him and we had one bank account, in his name, one safety deposit box, in his name, and every foolish think like that I agreed to and gave him full authority to do.

I gave him all my jewelry, everything I every owned all my life, and the few items he gifted me before we got married were in a safety deposit box in a bank that I had no idea where, in his name. The first five years of our marriage we moved twice and did not have many events where I would need to wear many of my jewelry. After we settled in the town we live in now, I wanted to wear few random pieces, but every time I asked him for them his respond has always been “tell me which piece you want and I’ll bring it to you”. To which I always replied “I don’t remember what I have, I need to either go myself with you to the bank, or you bring everything to me so I can see and chose what I want to wear”. That never happened. He traveled for work Monday thru Friday and on the weekends, he never had enough time to get any of the jewelry, but most importantly, he never gave me a key or put my name on the safety deposit box and authorized user.

After more that twenty years of marriage and many requests to see my jewelry, I asked for it forcefully at one of our blowout fights in front of our family friends who always intervened to help us. When they heard that he’s never given me my jewelry, the husband told my husband to go to the bank first thing in the morning, take all the jewelry, and give it to your wife. My husband had to do that. If he didn’t do what our friend told him, I won’t be the only one who knows of his intentions to keep them and never give them to me.

My husband was planning to divorce me from the first day we married; that’s why he kept control of everything. He wanted the money, the jewelry, the salary, everything and everything. If I showed any signs of unhappiness, he squeezed and crushed me more. He presented himself as the fun, wonderful person in public, and did not want our family friend to get a hint that he is what he truly is. Giving me my own jewelry, was not in his plan and he only agreed to that because he had no other choice.

The following day, he brought a plastic bag and inside it were my jewelry pieces. Since I do not remember what I had and the items he brought made me happy, I am going to assume he brought everything. I was so happy to see many pieces that reminded me of people, childhood friends, events, etc. that I was in a very cheerful mood and was making jokes and talking about many of the pieces. I also, was scared of him, I have never won a fight or argument with him before and was scared how he’s going to overpower me and turn this into another fight. I never stopped walking on eggshells around him.

During my excitements, and discussing events that these jewelry pieces reminded of, my cell phone rang and it was in the laundry room. I went to talk for a couple of minutes, and when I came back, I jokingly pretended that I was the police and was going to search him since he was left alone with the “Crown Jewels”. He was sitting at the kitchen table, same place before I went to answer my phone, and I laughingly said to him “Stand up.. Stand up” he did not know why I was telling him that so he did but when he did stand, I told him to open his arms for a search. He did not like that but went along with it and I started padding him. When I put my hand in his pockets, I got out one of my bracelets that he just gave me back with the rest of the jewelry. I didn’t know what to say, just looked at him and he said that it was broken and he was going to fix it. I looked closely and tried to lock and unlock but there was nothing wrong with it. I then took that bracelet and the rest of the jewelry away, hid it that night and went the next day and opened my own box and put everything there.

My husband stole my jewelry. writing it or saying it makes me want to cry again and again. How could he? Why would he? Why didn’t he marry me for better or worse? why didn’t he marry me to be one? Why did I let him do all this to me? I am not a weak person, but putting all these events on paper sure shows me as one.

I’m not a smoker, but He Told our son that I smoke

Few years ago, my husband’s sister and her husband, who do not live in our state, came to visit us. It was obvious to me at that time that my husband wanted to leave me out of that visit. He wanted to be with them alone and did not want to include me in his plans for their trip. I have the type of personality, unlike my husband’s, that I do leave people alone, especially the ones who do not want me included in their plans. Even if that person is my husband. This is not a good personality trade for a wife, but I have not been able to correct it.

When the sister and her husband showed up, I did everything in my power to make them feel at home; I cooked every meal for them, I prepared picnic baskets for when they went hiking, I bought them Tshirts of our town to wear while they’re enjoying our city, and whenever I saw a window of inclusion, or better yet, a window of non exclusions, I jumped in and did what I can to be as hospitable as possible.

After they went back home, my then 12 years old son told me that his aunt and my husband told him that I smoked. I was shocked to hear that I asked him if her heard them correctly, and he said yes he heard them and he did not believe it so he kept asking them if it was true and they kept insisting that it is true. When my son told me this, I too was shocked. Why would they say this lie to my son? What would it benefit them other than to have my son distrust me? Why would a father do that to his son? Even if he wants to hurt me, what he’s doing hurts my son more than me. I kept telling my son that I do not smoke and if I did, he would smell it on me and my clothes just as he does of that same aunt who is spreading this lie. My son agreed with me and believed me.

Few months later, we traveled out of town to visit his mother who was sick in the hospital. When we did, the other sister of my husband was there too and she also smokes like the one who visited us few months earlier. On one of her smoke breaks, she asked if I wanted to go out with her while she smokes so we can just chat. I said yes and we asked the other sister in law who also does not smoke to join us.

While we were outside the hospital sitting at one of the benches talking about general things, my son came to sit with us. I was happy to see him come join me, and soon after his cousin, the sister’s son came too. So there were 3 women, and 2 children visiting, talking and having fun outdoors with one of the women, the sister, smoking. After few minutes, we all told ourselves, let go back inside, so we started walking back when my son told me quietly that his dad sent him out to catch me smoking. My husband, with whom at that time I had good relations, sent our son out to catch me smoking when he knew I did not smoke.

I kept thinking afterwards, and still, why would he do that? Lets say for the sake of argument, that I did smoke, why would he wants to break the bond I had with my son? Not for my sake, but for our son’s sake? And if my son caught me smoking, isn’t that going to hurt our son? This is how my husband operates, the highest priority in life is to hurt me, even if in the process he hurts our son, or himself, that means less to him than to hurt me. How can go through life when one proof after another is showing me how much he hates me?

We went to our cousin’s out of town wedding

Few months ago, we went out of town to my cousin’s daughter’s wedding. My husband, as usually the case, waits form me to register at the hotel so I give them my credit card and he does not have to pay. The rest of my family and us were all staying at the same hotel which was across the street from the event hall. The hotel and the venue were very elegant and we all were having a great time being there.

The rooms at the hotel were suites; each has a living room with sofa bed, and 2 full beds in the bedroom. The bathroom has 2 doors one opens to the bedroom and the other to the living room. I took one of the beds, my husband want to take the sofa bed in the living room so my son took the other bed in the bedroom. Since I am a frequent urinator during the night, I got up the first time, and noticed the bedroom to the bathroom door was locked. This meant I had to get out of the bedroom to the living room and enter the bathroom from the living room to bathroom door. A couple of hours later, I got up again and noticed the door from the bedroom to the bathroom was locked again. and I had to take the same route to go the bathroom. The same thing happened the next time, and the next time. I was very frustrated because my husband is doing this on purpose being the rude conniving passive aggressive that he’s always been and I cannot do anything about it as usual unless I want to ruin the fun we’ve always gone to have.

When we went to the wedding, we were seated together, he made sure that our son sits next to him and kept taking pictures with our son alone and posting it on social media pretending that he an dour son have gone alone to the hall of fame venue that we were in, celebrating an event just the two of them with no mention whatsoever of anyone else at that event or the people he was there to celebrate. The whole trip was paid for by me and my side of the family including the wedding gift but non of his social media posts gives credit to anyone.

After the wedding, we walked to the hotel and went to our room, had the same sleeping arrangement. Again, I get up in the middle of the night, try to go to the bathroom only to find out the door from the bedroom to the bathroom is locked again. I wasn’t happy but did go through the living room door to go to the bathroom. The next time I got up, Again, the door was locked and that got me really unhappy, so when I went through the living room to go to the bathroom again, I locked that door behind me and never unlocked it again as I have done for the night before and this night. What I did after that, was taking this anger a step further, after I used the bathroom, I went back to the bedroom and then locked the door between the living room and the bedroom which made it impossible for him to use the bathroom unless he knocks on the bedroom door and ask me to open the bathroom door for him. I think I used the bathroom a couple of times after that before it was time to get up in the morning, get ready and go to breakfast. After I took a shower, I opened the living room door and did not see him or he belongings in the room. I thought he must’ve needed to go to the bathroom and did not want to ask me to open the door for him knowing what I’ll say to him, so he he went down to the hotel lobby, used the bathroom, then maybe got ready and dove back home. But when I went down to the breakfast area where the rest of the family were, he was sitting there with them talking, laughing, and having fun like nothing out of the ordinary happened.

This is my husband, he does these small things to hurt me, undermine me, put me down, make a mockery out of me in every way possible. but he does it in the most discreet passive way, that if I bring it up, it always surfaces in a way that I am being crazy, seeing things that do not exist, or blaming him for thing that he is not guilty of. He is a shroud two faced con artist that only he and I know that truth about him.

At the beginning, I did not want to go to sleep angry

One of the most important lessons I’ve heard about good long term marriages is “Never go to sleep angry at each other”. I found out early in our marriage that my husband does not know about this lesson and if he did, he does not want to learn it.

After few years of deteriorating relationship between me and my husband, I wanted to follow this rule. I thought if I could do anything to help us live happily, I’ll do whatever it takes to help us. And as usual, my husband never wasted an opportunity to fight.

All I remember that one evening, was the fact that we disagreed about something and he started yelling at me, left the kitchen where we were and went to his office and closed the door. I cried for a while and then went to bed. After few minutes, I decided to not sleep, and go down to his office to talk and resolve the problem. I went very slowly, knocked on his door and without him answering, I peeked in and asked if I can go in. He still did not reply to me. It was bout 10 PM by then and I asked him in a very low and humble voice if we could please solve our issue and not go to sleep angry at each other. Again, no reply while he is starring at his computer. He never looked at me once since I entered his office.

In my head, I did not see a reason for why he blew up and yelled at me. I started talking about why we were not at a disagreement, its just that I would like to take him to the airport before I go to work so I won’t get in trouble with my boss. Can’t he go to the airport one hour before he was planning to go? He started telling me how my priorities are messed up and that I should be willing to forgo everything to make sure my husband is happy and going to the airport one hour early does not make him happy. I went further to explain to him that last week when I had to go pick him up early, I did get in trouble at work. Before I could finish my sentence, he started yelling again and telling me that I blame him for everything. When I go to visit friend and family, its ok, but taking him to the airport or picking him up from there is too much trouble for me. I went further to explain to him that if I every visit anyone, its always after work and during days when he is out of town, so it does not interfere with anything. Again he interrupted and told me that everything in the world is more important than him, I told him that he is the most important person in the world for me. His voice got even louder and started saying “Lier, Lier” You don’t care about anyone else, you just want to live your life with no pressure, like you are not married, you are selfish, you just care about yourself”. he kept repeating these unfounded accusations over and over nonstop and I was shaking with fear. By 4 am, my tears reserve have dried up, I was exhausted, and had to wake up in less than 2 hours. I went to sleep that night at 4 am in worse condition than they way I was at 10 pm when I originally was going to sleep.

We went to sleep angry at each other that night and many night after that for the next 3 decades.