I am not the person I thought I was

Growing up, I heard and knew few women who were nice and hard workers, who were taken advantages of by family members. Some by brothers or sister, some by parents or children, but the most I’ve heard of are women who slave to make livings for their families while husbands are either advancing their career, or going through rough career periods in their lives, and when the husbands’ careers become successful, they leave their wives broken, hurt, to advance their own lives and start anew.

I always thought those women are weak, have low self esteem to not see the type of men they married… Until this happened to me. When my husband I got married, I thought of myself as an independent, beautiful, career woman who got married to her equal and they both will advance their lives for a better tomorrow…. Until I realized otherwise. I thought we were both working hard to save to buy businesses, not be dependents on our salaries, so one day we can live happily ever after….Until I realized how wrong I’ve been. I hoped that we would have fun together, have our inside jokes, understand each other with just looks….Until reality shocked me. I wanted a large family, tried very hard to have children, counted every day of every month to test positive for pregnancy… until God told me otherwise. Kept thinking that if we living in such a poor standard, then if I make a little more money, we can breath easier, so I went and got second jobs to supplement our income… Until I realized there would be no change in our standard of living.

All this happened not because I wasn’t independent, ugly, career oriented, made more money, wanted to have fun, tried to joke and have closer relationship with my husband, tried many medical procedures to get pregnant, or actually made more money. I felt like nothing, unsuccessful, ugly, horrible, and an absolute nothing because I married the wrong man and I just did not want to admit it.

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