One of the most important lessons I’ve heard about good long term marriages is “Never go to sleep angry at each other”. I found out early in our marriage that my husband does not know about this lesson and if he did, he does not want to learn it.
After few years of deteriorating relationship between me and my husband, I wanted to follow this rule. I thought if I could do anything to help us live happily, I’ll do whatever it takes to help us. And as usual, my husband never wasted an opportunity to fight.
All I remember that one evening, was the fact that we disagreed about something and he started yelling at me, left the kitchen where we were and went to his office and closed the door. I cried for a while and then went to bed. After few minutes, I decided to not sleep, and go down to his office to talk and resolve the problem. I went very slowly, knocked on his door and without him answering, I peeked in and asked if I can go in. He still did not reply to me. It was bout 10 PM by then and I asked him in a very low and humble voice if we could please solve our issue and not go to sleep angry at each other. Again, no reply while he is starring at his computer. He never looked at me once since I entered his office.
In my head, I did not see a reason for why he blew up and yelled at me. I started talking about why we were not at a disagreement, its just that I would like to take him to the airport before I go to work so I won’t get in trouble with my boss. Can’t he go to the airport one hour before he was planning to go? He started telling me how my priorities are messed up and that I should be willing to forgo everything to make sure my husband is happy and going to the airport one hour early does not make him happy. I went further to explain to him that last week when I had to go pick him up early, I did get in trouble at work. Before I could finish my sentence, he started yelling again and telling me that I blame him for everything. When I go to visit friend and family, its ok, but taking him to the airport or picking him up from there is too much trouble for me. I went further to explain to him that if I every visit anyone, its always after work and during days when he is out of town, so it does not interfere with anything. Again he interrupted and told me that everything in the world is more important than him, I told him that he is the most important person in the world for me. His voice got even louder and started saying “Lier, Lier” You don’t care about anyone else, you just want to live your life with no pressure, like you are not married, you are selfish, you just care about yourself”. he kept repeating these unfounded accusations over and over nonstop and I was shaking with fear. By 4 am, my tears reserve have dried up, I was exhausted, and had to wake up in less than 2 hours. I went to sleep that night at 4 am in worse condition than they way I was at 10 pm when I originally was going to sleep.
We went to sleep angry at each other that night and many night after that for the next 3 decades.