Why would anyone get married if “happily Ever After” is not the goal? Why did my husband marry me when he was just pretending he was in love with me? He must’ve known he wasn’t in love with me or had doubts, so why did he marry me? I’ve asked myself this question many times and early in our marriage, I have asked him this question too. Being hi usual self, he always yelled and screamed when he does not have an answer to a question.
Over the years, I stopped asking because it became evident that he just never loved me. I truly believe that my husband does not know what love means. Even though I know he does not love anyone more than he loves our son, he still treats him badly and does not show him love. He tells him he loves him but he does not treat him with love. My husband would go through motions that he has heard from others that he should do, but he never goes through these motions genuinely, it always looks and feels robotic.
My husband grew up in a family where love of money superseded love of everything else. He was the oldest of four siblings; twin girls came 2 years after him, and a boy 5 years younger than my husband. His parents gave more attention to his siblings than they did to him and he never forgave them for doing so. He grew up mastering the art of passively hurting his siblings, and getting them in trouble with his parents and other adults. He grew up hearing his parents talking in public how the mother’s favorite kids are the twin girls, and the dad’s is the youngest boy. This is very hurtful to a young boy so he always wanted to hurt his siblings because of it. Another thing that I noticed my husband always was bothered with, was when we show sympathy for someone. He always resented that and argued that the person has done nothing to get sympathy. I always wondered why he was so harsh in his judgements. After many years of marriage, my son told me one time that his dad used to only feel loved when his parents cared about him when he got sick and hurt. That is the only way he was shown love so he resented everyone who got that love because that’s the only kind of love he knew.
That’s why my husband never understood me when I truly loved him. I worked full time, I raised our son, I took him to school and back and all after hours activities, I cooked and took care of the house, I left work if the plumber or electrician had to come home, I arranged our social engagements, and I received no appreciations or no feeling of job well done. I now know its because showing appreciations means, in his mind, that I am better than him and he could not fathom it.
Over time, and because he could not love me or be a family man, he spent all his energy on saving money. Basically reverting back to his family’s first love. He took everything we made and put in banks, stocks, and even though I cannot prove it, in safety deposit box. I used to ask him for money for gas or drs. copays, and always hear the “I don’t have it” respond. He always had it but he always said he didn’t so I would go away. Most of the times I did go away, I did ask others for the money, or I charged on card that I could not pay.
I wanted us to be a family, I wanted us to love one another and live together until the end of times. I wanted us to read each others wants and needs by just looking at each other, but all he ever wanted is money.